Girlfriends Part 2

So some time ago when the beard was a we one, my friend Al posted this.
Since I am the person who has had the most experience being single and dealing with people in relationships in our circle. I believe I can re-evaluate this with little to no subjectivity. ( and before I am hit up with "this is our blog and our opinions we're allowed to be biased" I propose this - why can't we bring our own brand of criticism and look at thing objectively?)

Now I what I want to examine further was the following statement -
"To a single person bro's before ho's means: leave her alone and come hang out with my lonely ass. To a relationshiped (look it up) person it means: girlfriend is being a bitch so let me complain to you."

Now as far as that second part goes I mostly agree with it. However there is a flip side to that statement. That first portion I feel I must say "Hold those horses, end their existence with a shotgun and make glue out of their asses." Being on the sidelines of this war because love is a battlefield. I've taken time to do some damage assessments (haha i said asses again) . There are, for the purpose of trying to not type a novel, 5 different types of girlfriends/relationships... and they are in order from best to worst.

Before I begin I'd like to say this applies to both males and females and in the case of all of the examples I make feel free to switch any male placeholders with females and vice versa.

-The best friend/usually resulting in the longest of all terms. This is the fun girlfriend/relationship. It's usually two people who everyone says "they are perfect for each other" or when they get married "you know, from day one I knew they were going to be together forever." This is the couple that truly loves one another. I like this one because I like the idea of gaining another best friend from the deal. This is the girlfriend you invite out without her boyfriend and her boyfriend doesn't get jealous. This is the girlfriend that you can crack jokes with and hell maybe even sometimes you find out that she can beat your ass in guitar hero. When you don't see them for an extended period of time you miss them both as a couple and as individuals. When you finally do get to see them you embrace them just as though they were family. This girlfriend/relationship gets 9 Beards.

- The "I think you're the one"/ Long to Mid term. This has all the symptoms of the first example. The difference is that there is a chance that that relationship will crumble. The chance that it will happen is very very low, but not so low that you can say it will never happen. Because it does, and when it does a lot of people are disenfranchised. The break up causes others to doubt their relationships, they suddenly ask themselves "I thought they'd be together forever. If they didn't make it what does that say about me and my relationship?" The problem with being a friend with this couple is - "who gets the kids after the divorce?" As one of the "kids" you find yourself torn. My personal situation ends involving my friends saying "bros before ho's/ chicks before dicks, she/he was a bitch/dick, why are you still hanging out with her/him?" to which I answer "He/She didn't do anything wrong to me. So I don't see any reason to not hang out with her/him." With time to heal their wounds they will one day be able to be friends again. This couple gets 7 beards.

-The you'll do for now/ initially short then into long term. This one is unusual in that it sometimes starts out as a convenient source for sex, that some how blooms into a relationship plant. No one is sure how it happened like that, but nobody objects. The break up can result from any number of things. As a friend to the couple if the two part ways you could really care less. You get to keep your old friend and the girlfriend is someone you can have civil conversation with at a party or wave to across the street. But you'll never see her again. This one gets a slightly left of the middle of the road 4 beards

-The bitch/ Mid to short term This is a girlfriend that nobody in the friend group can stand..Sure she starts off nice enough then horrible things start to happen. A succubus transforms from this "sweet" girl and more or less consumes everything that you once like about your friend. This is the wench that wakes you up in the middle of the night at your parents house asking...no DEMANDING to know where her boyfriend is. To which you reply "I don't know" and after closing the door you give him a pillow and blanket and say "you can stay here until the coast is clear. This is the hag, that thinks she is part of the gang because she is invited to all the group activities by her boyfriend (which was actually the person everyone else to party with). I could go on but I've got one more couple to decide. In the end when the relationship fails...because it is doomed to...it ends violently. It seems that after that time the boyfriend asks around"why didn't you tell me she was such a bitch?" to which all of the friends say. "You were happy" They then ask all of their friends "you'll tell me if I'm ever dating a bitch again right?"..sure we will... sure we will. 3 beards. awarded simply because atleast your friend thought they were happy.

- The functioning dysfunctional /Like everyones reaction to a night of binge drinking and a Taco Bell run it varies. This is just horrible. This,like a baby hooked on heroine, is doomed to circle the drain from the get go. This couple functions like two parents before they divorce while they have delusions that they can still be together. No one ever wants to hang out with them because everything de-evolves into a fight and consequently makes things awkward. They are awarded 1 Beard

So all in all averaging out the scores here relationships get 4.8 beards but since I work by price is right rules I'm going to round up and say 5 beards.

being in a relationship i'll say that relationships get an average of 8 beards. Because the ones that are happy are indeed happy and the ones that aren't don't know until afterwards

Portrayal of Human Hysteria

I want to take a look at the scene in War of The Worlds when they are driving the van towards the ferry crossing and they are attacked by the mob. I just want to point out that I love this scene because to me it is an honest and unrelenting portrayal of the complexities of the human mind in a situation of panic. The speed at which the crowd escalates to violence, and how that violence is so intense that those trying to seize the car have such a complete disregard for Rachel's presence inside. What also rings very true to me is how immediately after Ray fires his gun in the air everything stops and those who had been attacking him just moments before are now admonishing him to calm down and "cool off." Also, how it all immediately resumes after the other man with the gun takes possession of the car, and how the resumption sees a stark increase in the violence as one of the first attackers picks up Ray's gun and proceeds to empty the remaining four rounds into the man now in control of the vehicle.

This scene and its delightfully accurate portrayal recieves 7 Beards and A Moustache

George Carlin

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The Savagaes

In addition to renting Strange Wilderness the other day, the lady and I also rented The Savages. I had seen previews for it, but figured it was something I could wait to come to video (can I still say that since videocassettes are no longer used?) since it didn't appear to be an action movie with a million dollar effects budget. You know what I mean? You spend $10 to see something like Iron Man or Independence Day on the big screen, or even something like Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. But, movies like The Savages you save for home viewing.

ANYWAYS, the movie was excellent. Laura Linney needs to win some kind of award this year. Between this movie and the John Adams miniseries on HBO she has been stellar. Of course, this is only enhanced by an excellent performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. The two play brother and sister who have been estranged from their father for quite a while (I can't remember if it was years or decades) but are suddenly reunited with him and are forced to deal with his newly developed dementia and deteriorating condition.

I wont give anymore away, so I'll just tell you that the movie was very good and very moving and that I felt it really conveyed the emotions of what its like to deal with a dying parent, even if they have been out of your life for some time. The movie was filmed very simply, nothing over the top and nothing horribly artsy, and I think that really worked with the piece. As a good descriptor, this movie was like a more realistic and far less whimsical Big Fish. I definitely recommend this movie to anyone.

The Savages gets 6 Beards.

Strange Wilderness

There was something very wrong with this movie. Maybe it was the bad acting, or the poor story, or the bad filming. Either way, I can't put my finger on it and I have to tell you all, Don't Watch It.

The movie was just bad, and even the presence of Allen Covert, Jonah Hill, and Justin Long couldn't help to salvage the thing. I mean, it had a few amusing parts and I chuckled a few times, but I spent most of the movie just wondering what the fuck was going on. And, the ending was just retarded. That's all I've got to say. Oh, that and the fact the laughing shark part was funny, but not 6 times in a row.

This review is over, Strange Wilderness gets 2 Beards for the couple chuckles it got out of me.