In Bruges

Oh, hello there, Interwebs, I didn't see you there.  Let me put my pants back on.  Ok, now that we're that much more intimate I've got a little story to tell.  It's a story about a little film called In Bruges, and I'm going to tell as best I can remember because I may have been drunk while watching it.  Or, I could've been totally sober sitting on my couch soaking my ass rash in a bucket of mayonaise and tomato soup.

Starring Colin Farrell and Ralph Fiennes (there are others buy you probably don't know them) the movie follows the story of two hit men who are sent to the small city of Bruges, Belgium after a botched job.  Haha, I accidentally typed bitched at first.  That was funny.  Moving on.  There are two main characters: the younger hitman, Ray (played by Farrell) who thinks Bruges is a shithol, and Ken (played by not Ralp Fiennes) who thinks it's a delightful little town.

The story is fairly straightforward, but also interestingly designed.  I was pretty much enraptured the whole time and found myself both laughing hysterically and deeply concerned for the characters.  Granted when some of you watch it and think back on my reaction it may jsut cement your findings that I am missing the morality section of my brain since this move involves several moments of extreme violence, racism, and drug use.  All of which I found hysterical.

In Bruges gets a solid 9 Beards because there's not a single moment in the movie where I felt uninterested. 

P.S. Don't watch this movie if you don't like blood.

Champagne/ Sparkling Wine

Alright kids and..kiddettes..(hey is that a word?...yeah I know it's got the red squiggly thing under it..ahh to hell with it I'll keep it in there.) Sorry for the major delay but I've been doing things that make me to gassy to type, and they smell is just awful. But let's move on to something that has recently been on my mind. I've been drinking a wider variety of things lately, and have recently consumed different types of Champagne.
Before I get into the "Judgement" I'd like to give a short history of wine. It was made by French monks just as a light wine used for Eucharist and anointing kings. Later it became the bubbly wine that we know now until about 17th century. When fermentation caused it to be carbonated, making some corks and bottles to go 'splode. Giving it the name "The Devil's Wine." "Champagne" is made in the Champagne region of France and is one of the names protected by the EU's Protected Designation of Origin. (Like Feta, Grappa, and Asaigo.)

My most recent scrap with sparkling wine has been Cristal. For those of you have haven't had it, the swill tastes like Flintstones chewable vitamins. It's just so damn gross. Now if you enjoy the taste of Flintstones Chewable that's all you. Me however? I don't dig it. I've had good tasting Champagne and Expensive Champagne. But this stuff is to much of the latter and not enough of the former.
The main reason that I dislike Champagnes and Sparkling wines is that there is a small amount of sugar added to second fermentation process. It's that sugar that leaves you with a severe case of hangover (Or as I call it "Head Hurty/Head 'Splodey" ) after drinking waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy... to much.(more than 2 glasses). Now if you want to get drunk off of something Champagne is the way to go. Those sugars combined with it's carbonation will get you messed up. Anyways I've rambled enough let us go to the judging section.

Based on a basic 5 beards standard
-1 beard for being the ultimate giver of Head 'Splodey.
-1 beard for being made in France the country that is only a'ight because they gave us Parkour and Jean Reno.
+1 beard for being able to get you drunk real fast.
-1 Beard for usually tasting like crap.

So for those of you bad with math... Champagne/ Sparkling wine gets a "less than average" 3 beards from me. Use it only when needed. Like when you're trying to get your girlfriend drunk. So she'll pass out and let you play video games and eat Nachos in peace.

Football

hello.

the football season is fast approaching. with NFL training camps already in session the first NFL pre-season game comes up August 7. August 29 is the first College Football game. College football had an outstanding year last year, it seemed like every game was better than the last. this fact only gets me more excited for the upcoming season. SO:

College Football: 8 Beards
NFL Football: 7 beards and a moustache
Canadian Football: 1 Beard
Arena Football: 5 Beards
Australian Rules Football: 4 Beards
English Football: Soccer

Girlfriends Part 2

So some time ago when the beard was a we one, my friend Al posted this.
Since I am the person who has had the most experience being single and dealing with people in relationships in our circle. I believe I can re-evaluate this with little to no subjectivity. ( and before I am hit up with "this is our blog and our opinions we're allowed to be biased" I propose this - why can't we bring our own brand of criticism and look at thing objectively?)

Now I what I want to examine further was the following statement -
"To a single person bro's before ho's means: leave her alone and come hang out with my lonely ass. To a relationshiped (look it up) person it means: girlfriend is being a bitch so let me complain to you."

Now as far as that second part goes I mostly agree with it. However there is a flip side to that statement. That first portion I feel I must say "Hold those horses, end their existence with a shotgun and make glue out of their asses." Being on the sidelines of this war because love is a battlefield. I've taken time to do some damage assessments (haha i said asses again) . There are, for the purpose of trying to not type a novel, 5 different types of girlfriends/relationships... and they are in order from best to worst.

Before I begin I'd like to say this applies to both males and females and in the case of all of the examples I make feel free to switch any male placeholders with females and vice versa.

-The best friend/usually resulting in the longest of all terms. This is the fun girlfriend/relationship. It's usually two people who everyone says "they are perfect for each other" or when they get married "you know, from day one I knew they were going to be together forever." This is the couple that truly loves one another. I like this one because I like the idea of gaining another best friend from the deal. This is the girlfriend you invite out without her boyfriend and her boyfriend doesn't get jealous. This is the girlfriend that you can crack jokes with and hell maybe even sometimes you find out that she can beat your ass in guitar hero. When you don't see them for an extended period of time you miss them both as a couple and as individuals. When you finally do get to see them you embrace them just as though they were family. This girlfriend/relationship gets 9 Beards.

- The "I think you're the one"/ Long to Mid term. This has all the symptoms of the first example. The difference is that there is a chance that that relationship will crumble. The chance that it will happen is very very low, but not so low that you can say it will never happen. Because it does, and when it does a lot of people are disenfranchised. The break up causes others to doubt their relationships, they suddenly ask themselves "I thought they'd be together forever. If they didn't make it what does that say about me and my relationship?" The problem with being a friend with this couple is - "who gets the kids after the divorce?" As one of the "kids" you find yourself torn. My personal situation ends involving my friends saying "bros before ho's/ chicks before dicks, she/he was a bitch/dick, why are you still hanging out with her/him?" to which I answer "He/She didn't do anything wrong to me. So I don't see any reason to not hang out with her/him." With time to heal their wounds they will one day be able to be friends again. This couple gets 7 beards.

-The you'll do for now/ initially short then into long term. This one is unusual in that it sometimes starts out as a convenient source for sex, that some how blooms into a relationship plant. No one is sure how it happened like that, but nobody objects. The break up can result from any number of things. As a friend to the couple if the two part ways you could really care less. You get to keep your old friend and the girlfriend is someone you can have civil conversation with at a party or wave to across the street. But you'll never see her again. This one gets a slightly left of the middle of the road 4 beards

-The bitch/ Mid to short term This is a girlfriend that nobody in the friend group can stand..Sure she starts off nice enough then horrible things start to happen. A succubus transforms from this "sweet" girl and more or less consumes everything that you once like about your friend. This is the wench that wakes you up in the middle of the night at your parents house asking...no DEMANDING to know where her boyfriend is. To which you reply "I don't know" and after closing the door you give him a pillow and blanket and say "you can stay here until the coast is clear. This is the hag, that thinks she is part of the gang because she is invited to all the group activities by her boyfriend (which was actually the person everyone else to party with). I could go on but I've got one more couple to decide. In the end when the relationship fails...because it is doomed to...it ends violently. It seems that after that time the boyfriend asks around"why didn't you tell me she was such a bitch?" to which all of the friends say. "You were happy" They then ask all of their friends "you'll tell me if I'm ever dating a bitch again right?"..sure we will... sure we will. 3 beards. awarded simply because atleast your friend thought they were happy.

- The functioning dysfunctional /Like everyones reaction to a night of binge drinking and a Taco Bell run it varies. This is just horrible. This,like a baby hooked on heroine, is doomed to circle the drain from the get go. This couple functions like two parents before they divorce while they have delusions that they can still be together. No one ever wants to hang out with them because everything de-evolves into a fight and consequently makes things awkward. They are awarded 1 Beard

So all in all averaging out the scores here relationships get 4.8 beards but since I work by price is right rules I'm going to round up and say 5 beards.

being in a relationship i'll say that relationships get an average of 8 beards. Because the ones that are happy are indeed happy and the ones that aren't don't know until afterwards

Portrayal of Human Hysteria

I want to take a look at the scene in War of The Worlds when they are driving the van towards the ferry crossing and they are attacked by the mob. I just want to point out that I love this scene because to me it is an honest and unrelenting portrayal of the complexities of the human mind in a situation of panic. The speed at which the crowd escalates to violence, and how that violence is so intense that those trying to seize the car have such a complete disregard for Rachel's presence inside. What also rings very true to me is how immediately after Ray fires his gun in the air everything stops and those who had been attacking him just moments before are now admonishing him to calm down and "cool off." Also, how it all immediately resumes after the other man with the gun takes possession of the car, and how the resumption sees a stark increase in the violence as one of the first attackers picks up Ray's gun and proceeds to empty the remaining four rounds into the man now in control of the vehicle.

This scene and its delightfully accurate portrayal recieves 7 Beards and A Moustache