Death By Blog.

So I just read about blog death. In case you didn't I give you the short version.

"Russell Shaw, a prolific blogger on technology subjects who died at 60 of a heart attack. In December, another tech blogger, Marc Orchant, died at 50 of a massive coronary. A third, Om Malik, 41, survived a heart attack in December...Other bloggers complain of weight loss or gain, sleep disorders, exhaustion and other maladies born of the nonstop strain of producing for a news and information cycle that is as always-on as the Internet."

Sounds to me like this is death by a classic case of Fat Ass. These three guys sat on their computers all damn day (probably eating steak'ums and chasing it with 9 cans of red bull) and two died as a result of their gross (and I mean gross) mistreatment of their bodies. The problem with this story is that some assfags don't know when to say "I'm done!" They feel the need to nay say and provide useless conjecture on subjects instead of breaking down the facts and giving you a straight forward rating (maybe on a 9.0 scale) on any subject.

These people need to get a damn 9-5 job or if blogging is their 9-5 job learn that after 8 hours of work you can stop. The only people who should stress out about work all day are Lawyers and and kind of Law enforcement. These deaths could be avoided by a better diet and some physical activity ranging anywhere from weightlifting to dodgeball(Go Harrison Ford(9 goddamm beards)) to DDR. (I know, I know but at least it gets you up and moving.)

Also does nobody notice that Travis posts twice in one day and one of the posts is about death by blogging? If no one else is going to say it Travis, I worry for your health. I know you posted at work, but still....
So anyway death by blogging (and DDR) will receive a One Beard constructed entirely out of pubic hair for being a dumbass way to kick the bucket.

On a side note: Summer don't you ever joke about a shaved face, they aren't funny. I will personally see to it that your life is made null if you do it again. Negative beards-see, this is why you can't be in on The Beard, giving out negative points Your ineptitudes sicken me woman.

Blogging Will Kill You

Holy crap, two updates in one day? Thats more then you pukes usually get in a week. No thanks to certain Randys, Alans, and Kevins, whose names will not be mentioned. Anyways, I'm reporting to you life from a high altitude balloon to bring you the news that this little foray into the world of the interwebs just might kill me. That's right, apparently, according to this article, Blogging might kill you. Seriously, there are Google statistics.

Death By Blogging gets 2 Beards, it gets an extra one for the sheer WTF factor your friends and family will experience when told the news.

And here's an extra goody for you courtesy of the lovely, but MIA, Liz Waldner.

TPS Report

Which of course forces me to post this:

Run Fatboy Run

What I still don't understand is why they couldn't put the appropriate commas in the title? They did it in the UK version, why not the American version. Two measly commas is all I ask. But, alas, I must digress. Run Fatboy Run is David Schwimmer's first foray into directing movies, and he couldn't have picked a better crew to do it with then Simon Pegg's. Having already written and stared in two highly successful films (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) that could make you cry and think as easily as they made you laugh, this movie had great promise to it before I even got in the theater. Simon also collaborated with that evil bastard of the comedy underworld, Michael Ian Black, to write the script which I think only made the film better.

The movie's premise is simple, Dennis (Simon Pegg) leaves his pregnant fiance, Libby, at the altar on their wedding day. The majority of the movie takes place 5 years later with Shaun trying to come to terms with being a father and watching Libby having turned her attentions to a new man. However, this isn't some sappy crap filled éclair of a love story, but rather an exploration of the journey towards self responsibility we all must make. The importance of friends also plays a major role in the film as well, almost as major as Dylan Moran's (who plays Dennis' best friend and Libby's cousing) bare man ass. I would've much rather seen more of India de Beaufort's ass. But, whatever.

David Schwimmer made an excellent directing debut. He really made the movie work, and it was nice to see a divergence from the fast paced, quick cut directing style of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Also the soundtrack was excellent. Totally loved it. It was fabulous, totally wow. Rad. No, seriously, great soundtrack. I recommend this movie to everyone, unless you hit British people, then fuck you.

Run Fatboy Run gets 7 Beards and A Mustache for being quite excellent.

Drinkin Beers In The Sun

Yesterday afternoon Alan showed up at my house with a cooler full of beer and a sprinkler and we set ourselves up in my front yard. We turned the sprinkler on, unfolded the cheers, and proceeded to have a few brewskis while enjoying the beautiful April weather Florida is providing us with. This was probably the highlight of my week and I'm going to recommend it to everyone. For our northern readers, you might have to wait a few more weeks or months, but when the weather gets right, then get to it. And, I guess if you're a ninny and don't like beer then you could substitute with an appropriately summer drink like a margarita or a gin and tonic.

As a word of caution though, wear sunscreen (9 Beards).

Drinking Beers (or appropriate substitute drinks) in the sun gets 9 Beards, because it's freaking awesome and supremely relaxing.

Digital Camouflage

I've been kind of up in the air about the Military's new digital camouflage. I understood how it was more effective, since the purpose of camouflage is to break up the outline, so of course with more smaller fluctuations in color then that means it's going to be more effective. I think this had a lot to do with having never seen it in action like I've seen other forms such as the Ghillie suits utilized by Seals, Rangers, and Snipers. For those that don't know, Ghillie suits are the camouflage suits worn that make people look like big walking bog monsters. Or like this:

So, yeah. I was unconvinced about this new fangled technology until I saw this next picture, and then became completely convinced of it's effectiveness.

Digital Camouflage gets 6 Beards for being effective enough that this guys wife probably has no idea he's asleep on the couch instead of cleaning up the dog shit in the kitchen.