65 Degrees

Lets talk about weather for a minute. Let's talk about, in particular, a sunny day at 65 degrees with little to no wind. I think this is the perfect weather. You can wear just about whatever you want in this weather: shorts, slacks, jeans, dresses, skirts, t-shirts, button ups, halters, tube tops, polos, sweaters, sweater vests, even hoodies and jackets to some degree, flips flops, boots, sneakers, or trainers. But definitely not Crocs. You can never wear Crocs (ONE Beard), I don't give a damn how "comfortable" they are. In this weather pretty much the only thing you can't do is go swimming, unless you have a heated pool or a high tolerance to cold water. Wanna go for a picnic? No problem. Want to play sports? Feel free. Want to work on your tan? Why not. It's nice outside!

65 Degrees and Sunny gets 9 Beards from me.

Your Boys.

The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. The dudes that keeps this thing moving.




These guys get 9 Fuckin' Beards

Fireworks

I was at the Magic Kindom at Disney World, Orlando over the weekend for the first time in probably 6 years. We of course waited till the end in order to watch the fireworks, which to be honest I had forgotten how awesome Disney's fireworks are. We're talking about near and far rockets coordinated with narration, sound, and music.
But to the nitty-gritty, fireworks themselves. I'm running on a decent database of memories here because I haven't actually lit off fireworks in a couple of years.

• Fireworks contain the word fire, and require fire to work, and result in an explosion the core of which is essentially fire.
• They're colorful, especially the big ones. And, they're bright. I like bright and colorful. I'm also not gay, just easily distracted and entertained.
• The bigger they are, the louder they are. Usually. I remember lighting off my first mortar in middle school. We didn't drop it in a tube or anything, and it wasn't even July. We just lit it in the middle of the basketball court and ran for our lives towards the bus stop. Still one of the loudest things I've experienced minus gunshots and that one time Alan got his bare toe stuck under the automatically opening door behind Reynolds. He screamed like a bitch.
• FIRE. EXPLOSIONS. LOUD.
• You can shoot them at your friends with relatively minor consequences. In case mom sees. Then the consequences are dire. Although, I wouldn't recommend anything bigger than a bottle rocket or a small roman candle. Don't go pointing Saturn Batteries at each other.

So, in conclusion, Fireworks are pretty awesome and get 7 Beards and A Mustache.

In rebuttal to Randy's lame ass post about head butts, from which he pirated most of his information from Maddox, similar to the way he wrote most of his high school humor columns by stealing lists of interesting conundrums and misspellings from the internet, I would like to say that the headbutt does not deserve 8 Beards and A Mustache.
The head butt is a rather weak attack, even when done correctly, and does little more then stun and embarrass an opponent. Sadly, the head butt leaves oneself open to swift retribution from an opponent if you do no connect properly or the enemy is not taken by surprise. God knows I've punched a few potential head butters in the skull for trying such a thing.

Head butts get 3 Beards from me.

The good ol' fashioned American Headbutt.

That's right the headbutt. IT's as American as apple pie, obesity or hunting a deer with Kevlar piercing bullets.
And it's so simple!
Tilt your head slightly downward, clench your teeth, stiffen your neck muscles, and frown.

· Lean back slightly, take aim, lunge forward, connecting your attacker’s nose.

· Aim to strike using the area one-inch or 25mm above your eyebrow - just for comfort.

· Clench your teeth and keep your mouth closed.

· Use your whole body weight and bend at the middle of your back.

As stated by Maddox headbutting the Sidewalk is one of the Manliest way to Kill yourself. He goes on to state that headbutts are the best way to break up with a girlfriend.


"I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship."

So kids there you have. The only reason a headbutt could be given negative points is if it is done improperly. In which case the negative points are rerouted and awarded to you.

Only becuase of lack of style the Headbutt will receive 8 beards and one mustache.