To quote Chris Rock from No sex in the Champagne Room.
"CORNBREAD... Ain't nuthing wrong wit that! "
7 beards and one mustache
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Hard Candy Review
So if you've never heard of the movie Hard Candy go here. But if you have heard of it watch the trailor anyways to know what i'm talking about. I watched it recently with Travis a few days ago. The delay in reviewing was simply becuase...well i just didn't want to revisit it so soon.
Hard Candy is one of the best crafted movies I have seen in years. The entire cast is comprised of 5 people total. the films main characters (Ellen Page and Patrick Wilson) are seen on the screen for the majority of the film. Each of the actors delivers an excellent preformance. Sometimes you think maybe they're telling the truth, maybe they are telling lies, maybe that characters out of their mind crazy.
the story is weak but that's not to say that it isn't well penned.
This was also the Director's second movie, but it was so well done that you can't even tell. The director uses the camera so damn well. Watching the movie you become claustrophobic, or you feel like acreepy voyuer. when the characters talk most times all you see is their face and the camera is not always centered on them. The use of colors, and some filters also set moods.
anyways. i'm watching Shaft with Sam. L Jackson(6 Beards) . it's distracting me.
Hard Candy gets 8 beards from me.
Hard Candy is one of the best crafted movies I have seen in years. The entire cast is comprised of 5 people total. the films main characters (Ellen Page and Patrick Wilson) are seen on the screen for the majority of the film. Each of the actors delivers an excellent preformance. Sometimes you think maybe they're telling the truth, maybe they are telling lies, maybe that characters out of their mind crazy.
the story is weak but that's not to say that it isn't well penned.
This was also the Director's second movie, but it was so well done that you can't even tell. The director uses the camera so damn well. Watching the movie you become claustrophobic, or you feel like acreepy voyuer. when the characters talk most times all you see is their face and the camera is not always centered on them. The use of colors, and some filters also set moods.
anyways. i'm watching Shaft with Sam. L Jackson(6 Beards) . it's distracting me.
Hard Candy gets 8 beards from me.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Grenades
We watched The Kingdom the other night (Which I don't feel like reviewing in full so I'll just tell you it got 6 Beards from me) and it reminded me how much I love grenades, they're one of God's gift to man, like fire, sandwiches, sitting, pissing, and beards. Now, after some discussion I realized that I could give them an overall score, but why not break them down into types and score them individually?
Frag Grenade: Probably the most common, useful, and effective type of grenade. It has seen many incarnations over the years, including the terrible German "potato masher" design during WWII that was horribly ineffective due to it's inconsistent performance (sometimes it would blow you to pieces and sometimes it would just give you a rash). This design came to it's most recognized design during WWI with the Mills Bomb with it's pineapple like exterior. Another common design is that of the US M67 with a bulbous, and round exterior.
Any one who has ever played a first person shooter game in the last 5 years, or any former soldier will probably tell you that frag grenades are the most deadly, and most versatile, as they pack a lot of punch and can be used for many different situations. Just one of these can take out a room full of enemies, and many military forces use more then one grenade at a time when clearing a room or entrenched enemy position.
Frag Grenades get 7 Beards and a Moustache
Percussion Grenades: These grenades are similar to frag grenades, except that they are designed to simply explode, and not create any shrapnel. This of course makes them not as cool.
Percussion Grenades get 5 Beards.
Smoke Grenades: Smoke grenades are like the retarded step children of the grenade world. They only thing they're good for is covering troop movement, primarily during retreats or a force rushing in for a suicidal frontal, hand to hand assault both of which are as retarded as the grenade itself.
Smoke grenades get 2 Beards.
Flash Bangs: More commonly referred to as stun grenades, these are commonly used by para-military police forces like S.W.A.T. to incapacitate enemies before authorities or troops enter an area. Just as the name implies, when detonate these emit a loud bang with a bright flash in order to blind and disorient enemies. While seemingly a great tactic, what I've learned from my time in Call of Duty 4 is that my first reaction with these is to just start firing blindly when one goes off until the effect fades, which create a situation far more dangerous then what originally existed. Sadly this, coupled with a lack of deadly force lowers the score for Flash Bangs.
Flash Bangs get 4 Beards.
Rocket Propelled Grenade(RPG): One of Russia's more intriguing developments during the Cold War, what once a signature weapon for Soviet military forces has quickly become an icon of terrorist violence in the new millenium. A highly portable weapon that fires a missile which is essentially a high powered grenade welded to a rocket. These weapons only require one man to operate (unlike many modern anti-vehicle weapons) and can be used with little to no training. They pack enough punch to take out a helicopter, a civilian vehicle, or a lightly armored Humvee with only one shot. Recent video games have conveyed to me how difficult it can be to fire these accurately, which at the time was infuriating, but in light of the fact that these are generally being used against citizens and soldiers of my own country I am thankful. However, when being examined as an effective weapon this does hurt the weapon.
RPG's get 6 Beards.
Frag Grenade: Probably the most common, useful, and effective type of grenade. It has seen many incarnations over the years, including the terrible German "potato masher" design during WWII that was horribly ineffective due to it's inconsistent performance (sometimes it would blow you to pieces and sometimes it would just give you a rash). This design came to it's most recognized design during WWI with the Mills Bomb with it's pineapple like exterior. Another common design is that of the US M67 with a bulbous, and round exterior.
Any one who has ever played a first person shooter game in the last 5 years, or any former soldier will probably tell you that frag grenades are the most deadly, and most versatile, as they pack a lot of punch and can be used for many different situations. Just one of these can take out a room full of enemies, and many military forces use more then one grenade at a time when clearing a room or entrenched enemy position.
Frag Grenades get 7 Beards and a Moustache
Percussion Grenades: These grenades are similar to frag grenades, except that they are designed to simply explode, and not create any shrapnel. This of course makes them not as cool.
Percussion Grenades get 5 Beards.
Smoke Grenades: Smoke grenades are like the retarded step children of the grenade world. They only thing they're good for is covering troop movement, primarily during retreats or a force rushing in for a suicidal frontal, hand to hand assault both of which are as retarded as the grenade itself.
Smoke grenades get 2 Beards.
Flash Bangs: More commonly referred to as stun grenades, these are commonly used by para-military police forces like S.W.A.T. to incapacitate enemies before authorities or troops enter an area. Just as the name implies, when detonate these emit a loud bang with a bright flash in order to blind and disorient enemies. While seemingly a great tactic, what I've learned from my time in Call of Duty 4 is that my first reaction with these is to just start firing blindly when one goes off until the effect fades, which create a situation far more dangerous then what originally existed. Sadly this, coupled with a lack of deadly force lowers the score for Flash Bangs.
Flash Bangs get 4 Beards.
Rocket Propelled Grenade(RPG): One of Russia's more intriguing developments during the Cold War, what once a signature weapon for Soviet military forces has quickly become an icon of terrorist violence in the new millenium. A highly portable weapon that fires a missile which is essentially a high powered grenade welded to a rocket. These weapons only require one man to operate (unlike many modern anti-vehicle weapons) and can be used with little to no training. They pack enough punch to take out a helicopter, a civilian vehicle, or a lightly armored Humvee with only one shot. Recent video games have conveyed to me how difficult it can be to fire these accurately, which at the time was infuriating, but in light of the fact that these are generally being used against citizens and soldiers of my own country I am thankful. However, when being examined as an effective weapon this does hurt the weapon.
RPG's get 6 Beards.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
No Country For Old Men
The boys and I, plus Casey went to see No Country For Old Men and lets just say I was quite pleased. I'm not too sure how in depth I want to go with this review so I will just let this ride and see where it goes.
Let's start with the where this movie comes from, it's based on the novel by the same name by Cormac McCarthy. While I haven't read this book in particular I have read two of his others and the movie at least fit right in with the other two books I've read; very dark, very ideologically intense, and ultra violent (but not in a bad way, McCarthy's violence always serves a purpose). The story is a simple enough initial premise: poor guy finds a bunch of money that doesn't belong to him and is ruthlessly and impressively pursued by Mexican drug-runners and a homicidal maniac.
Then there are the Coen brothers, the masterminds behind some very popular movies like O' Brother Where Art Thou, Fargo, and Paris je t'aime, as well as some of my favorites such as The Big Lebowski and Raising Arizona. They wrote some of them and they produced the rest of them. Either way, I've been fans of their work for a long time before I knew it was their work. Anyways, on to the movie.
The movie immediately introduces the antagonist, and man is he a good one. Played by veteran actor, Javier Bardim, he is relatively unknown in the United States (IMDB tells me has had 43 acting roles, 32 of which have Spanish titles and 11 English titles. 4 of those English titles are still in pre-production.) He's got a trusting smile, a true creeper haircut, and he doesn't freaking blink. Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, and Woody Harrelson also contribute excellent roles as main and supporting characters. The cinematography is excellent, especially during the suspense sequences; I know my heart was racing, and I'm pretty sure everyone else's was as well. The movie is set in Texas, and some of the shots make the barren scrub-brush desert of that state look actually beautiful instead of barren and wasteful. The movie also contains a lot of shots that subtly help convey the themes of the movie.
The last thing I want to address is the ending. It was perfect. I don't think this movie could have ended any other way. We all definitely had to sit around for a few minutes afterwards and let it settle in. As a reference, for those who have seen Atonement, it definitely does not hit quite as hard as the ending of the movie, but it still hits. And, as a final add, this movie definitely all the awards it has been nominated for and won.
So, overall, the movie had an intriguing story, excellent acting, one of my new favorite villains, nice filming, and a shotgun with a silencer on it.
Final Score: 8 Beards
Let's start with the where this movie comes from, it's based on the novel by the same name by Cormac McCarthy. While I haven't read this book in particular I have read two of his others and the movie at least fit right in with the other two books I've read; very dark, very ideologically intense, and ultra violent (but not in a bad way, McCarthy's violence always serves a purpose). The story is a simple enough initial premise: poor guy finds a bunch of money that doesn't belong to him and is ruthlessly and impressively pursued by Mexican drug-runners and a homicidal maniac.
Then there are the Coen brothers, the masterminds behind some very popular movies like O' Brother Where Art Thou, Fargo, and Paris je t'aime, as well as some of my favorites such as The Big Lebowski and Raising Arizona. They wrote some of them and they produced the rest of them. Either way, I've been fans of their work for a long time before I knew it was their work. Anyways, on to the movie.
The movie immediately introduces the antagonist, and man is he a good one. Played by veteran actor, Javier Bardim, he is relatively unknown in the United States (IMDB tells me has had 43 acting roles, 32 of which have Spanish titles and 11 English titles. 4 of those English titles are still in pre-production.) He's got a trusting smile, a true creeper haircut, and he doesn't freaking blink. Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, and Woody Harrelson also contribute excellent roles as main and supporting characters. The cinematography is excellent, especially during the suspense sequences; I know my heart was racing, and I'm pretty sure everyone else's was as well. The movie is set in Texas, and some of the shots make the barren scrub-brush desert of that state look actually beautiful instead of barren and wasteful. The movie also contains a lot of shots that subtly help convey the themes of the movie.
The last thing I want to address is the ending. It was perfect. I don't think this movie could have ended any other way. We all definitely had to sit around for a few minutes afterwards and let it settle in. As a reference, for those who have seen Atonement, it definitely does not hit quite as hard as the ending of the movie, but it still hits. And, as a final add, this movie definitely all the awards it has been nominated for and won.
So, overall, the movie had an intriguing story, excellent acting, one of my new favorite villains, nice filming, and a shotgun with a silencer on it.
Final Score: 8 Beards
Crab Rangoon
So here's the thing, if you've never had crab Rangoon then you need to get your ass to a Wok n Roll and pronto. For those of you who aren't in the know crab Rangoon is an American Chinese dish (American because they probably have a completely different rendition in Asia). What the basic recipe for crab Rangoon is Crab meat mixed with cream cheese and some garlic or onions, then its put into a wonton and fried. First off even if you don't like seafood you'll love this dish. Many restaurants serve it with a sweet and sour sauce which rubs you in the crotch and doesn't make you shoot for the towel. The dish is mostly seen as an appetizer which is perfect because if you for some reason don't like it you didn't obligate yourself to the dish the whole meal. However you do tend to look a bit hefty when you end up ordering 5 orders for yourself. This dish really can make you believe in a the 10 dimensions. String theory aside, go forth eat, drink, and be merry.
Crab Rangoon: 8 beards. because if you eat them too much, you might die. slowly.
Crab Rangoon: 8 beards. because if you eat them too much, you might die. slowly.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Cloverfield rebuttal.
Plot: overall the plot was average. Nothing particularly special about it. No points awarded.
I will give it one point for an accurate portrayal of the first person point of view. On the bridge the camera hold faces someone else with a camera, and for that exact moment you realize that you only get this one view out of several hundreds of thousands of people all seeing the same thing. also at that intersection it would very possibly leave the oppurtunity for a sequel.
I award another point and a gold star for the genius who was responsible for that.
Another point will be awarded to this movie for its accurate use of hand held video camera to save on budget and explain cuts. For instance there is a scene where they walk up flights of stairs and to avoid showing us all 30 flights of stairs and an inexplicable cut scene, they turn off the camera. The movie then shows us a few seconds of what was being recorded over on the camera. (also giving us a small amount of story and character development.) They also used the camera when they save someone who has a rod through their shoulder. The guy filming puts the camera down and in his hurry to help drops the camera by her feet. By doing that the props crew didn't have to make a special rig to show how they lifted the actress of the rebar.
Why I didn't like the movie?First of pg-13 rating by the mpaa. no good monster movie can complete what it wants and still maintain a pg-13 rating.
Number 2! and this is the important one to me. someone, for lack of a better word "pops." unfortunatley for me- they dont show you exactly how they "pop," but i put a pin in that scene and told myself to get excited. you may see someone explode later in the movie. did i get it? No.
Final Review: all in all the movie was like a low carb strawberry beer. It had a cool premise and some really cool ideas.
I compare it to someone jacking me off in the movie theater, and the guy 4 row behind me got the orgasm.
Final Score 4 beards. go ahead see it but dont pay full price.
Not As Cool As It Seems
This guy just broke the world record for full body exposure to ice? Except, wait a minute, his head isn't covered in ice, so I'm going to have to say this is a little bogus.
Anyway, Ill give him 6 beards for the hardcore factor, but seriously, why the eff would anyone want to stand in ice. The stupidity factor here reduces his final score.
Final Score: 3 Beards
Anyway, Ill give him 6 beards for the hardcore factor, but seriously, why the eff would anyone want to stand in ice. The stupidity factor here reduces his final score.
Final Score: 3 Beards
Girlfriends
Hello Bloggers-
Travis, first of all, welcome to the relationship realm. There are some people that thrive in a relationship there are some that simple cannot cut it. We call those "homosexuals". This is where the "bro's before ho's" argument comes into play. To a single person bro's before ho's means: leave her alone and come hang out with my lonely ass. To a relationshiped (look it up) person it means: girlfriend is being a bitch so let me complain to you. So here is my first rating.
In a relationship:
Girlfriends-6 beards
Single
Girlfriends-2 beards
Travis, first of all, welcome to the relationship realm. There are some people that thrive in a relationship there are some that simple cannot cut it. We call those "homosexuals". This is where the "bro's before ho's" argument comes into play. To a single person bro's before ho's means: leave her alone and come hang out with my lonely ass. To a relationshiped (look it up) person it means: girlfriend is being a bitch so let me complain to you. So here is my first rating.
In a relationship:
Girlfriends-6 beards
Single
Girlfriends-2 beards
Cloverfield
I went and saw Cloverfield the other night with a few friends after hearing different things from different people. Let me see first off that I enjoyed it, but I'm also glad I only payed the $5.75 weekday price to see it as well. I know a lot of people had/have issues with the whole "home video" camera angle, but we'll talk about that in a minute.
The key factor to keep in mind here is that Cloverfield is a monster movie. Nothing else. As far as monster movies go I really enjoyed it. At different points but not in equal proportions I was terrified, I was bored, I was emotionally invested, and I laughed, especially at the part when one of the characters just pops in a spray of blood. Speaking of the blood, there was a remarkable lack of it. The interspersing of action and exposition was pretty balanced, and the action scenes themselves were pretty intense.
One thing I particularly enjoyed about this movie was the monster for three reasons. 1) You get to see it, quite a bit, and quite clearly from pretty early on. 2) It's a unique creature, a very interesting blend of ideas. I can't say I've ever encountered a visual representation of a creature like this before. 3) It's completely unexplained. That's about all I've got for the monster.
Finally, the camera. Yes, the filming method can be mildly obnoxious, and yeah during the first few minutes it gave me a bit of a headache. However, the headache passed as I adjusted and in retrospect this was the perfect angle, and gave this movie yet another fresh new angle because it allowed me as a viewer to feel more closely linked with the emotions, primarily the terror and sense of loss, experienced by the characters.
Overall, it was good, I liked it. If you don't like monster movies, don't bother. It should definitely be seen on the big screen, but try to score it during a matinée or at the local dollar theater if you've got one.
Score: 5 Beards
The key factor to keep in mind here is that Cloverfield is a monster movie. Nothing else. As far as monster movies go I really enjoyed it. At different points but not in equal proportions I was terrified, I was bored, I was emotionally invested, and I laughed, especially at the part when one of the characters just pops in a spray of blood. Speaking of the blood, there was a remarkable lack of it. The interspersing of action and exposition was pretty balanced, and the action scenes themselves were pretty intense.
One thing I particularly enjoyed about this movie was the monster for three reasons. 1) You get to see it, quite a bit, and quite clearly from pretty early on. 2) It's a unique creature, a very interesting blend of ideas. I can't say I've ever encountered a visual representation of a creature like this before. 3) It's completely unexplained. That's about all I've got for the monster.
Finally, the camera. Yes, the filming method can be mildly obnoxious, and yeah during the first few minutes it gave me a bit of a headache. However, the headache passed as I adjusted and in retrospect this was the perfect angle, and gave this movie yet another fresh new angle because it allowed me as a viewer to feel more closely linked with the emotions, primarily the terror and sense of loss, experienced by the characters.
Overall, it was good, I liked it. If you don't like monster movies, don't bother. It should definitely be seen on the big screen, but try to score it during a matinée or at the local dollar theater if you've got one.
Score: 5 Beards
We Call'Em How We See'Em
Welcome to The Beard. This is the inaugural post and I would just like to make a few disclaimers.
1) We promise no excellence of writing, grammar, spelling or logic. We're just four dudes giving our opinion on the things we encounter in life as well as giving it a score.
2) That score will of course be given on a scale of 1-9 Beards. And, if something really needs a half a point, we'll throw in a mustache.
3) There will be yelling and cursing.
4) We don't care what you think, and we will not respond to your comments, unless of course it's something nice.
4b) We do care what you think, just not if it's mean and spiteful.
5) If one of us disagrees with another's score/evalutation, expect to see a rebuttal post. But don't expect rebuttals to rebuttals. Lol, I just said Butt like 3 times.
6) We are equally mature and immature.
7) As much as we may seem homophobic and racist, we're really not.
Enjoy
1) We promise no excellence of writing, grammar, spelling or logic. We're just four dudes giving our opinion on the things we encounter in life as well as giving it a score.
2) That score will of course be given on a scale of 1-9 Beards. And, if something really needs a half a point, we'll throw in a mustache.
3) There will be yelling and cursing.
4) We don't care what you think, and we will not respond to your comments, unless of course it's something nice.
4b) We do care what you think, just not if it's mean and spiteful.
5) If one of us disagrees with another's score/evalutation, expect to see a rebuttal post. But don't expect rebuttals to rebuttals. Lol, I just said Butt like 3 times.
6) We are equally mature and immature.
7) As much as we may seem homophobic and racist, we're really not.
Enjoy
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