Google's Motto

One last quick quip before the weekend sets in and I try to forget about the fact that the internet exists for anything besides porno and gaming, I felt I need to share this. Google, which I already thought was freaking awesome and I dare anyone to challenge me, has gone up yet another notch in awesomeness. I found out today, while watching a Reuters video about how Google is using Google Earth to help support global causes, that Google has a very interesting motto: Don't Be Evil. How awesome and simple is that? Way to go Google.

Google's motto get's 8 Beards for its epic simplicity.

In defense of the Games

So I saw that Travis gave the Summer games 5 beards: to him I say.
First-The Summer Olympics has hockey; it's just field hockey.
Second-If you give the Summer games 5 beards shouldn't you also give the Winter Olympics The same score? They are in-fact a package deal
Second point sub-point one -The Winter Olympics lacks the following which the Summer games do not
- Womens Gymnastics
- Track and Field games where america proves our Negroes are better than yours
-Basketball Where america does the same thing
-Womens Gymnastics (I know I said that twice I like them)

I feel as if Travis gave the Summer games an unfair score because, if you know Trav he has a bias towards the cold. Which makes me think he would probably give the Winter games 8 Beards. Both scores when averaged together gives you 6.5 beards which is exactly where I would place the Olympic Games as a Whole. Being as it has lost some of the ideals that the original games had. Also because the Olympics can't hold a candle to the WORLD CUP which is the single most watch sporting event internationally. I know people who don't like sports that will watch the World cup.
World Cup 9 mufukin beards

The Torch

As some of you may know, there are a lot of people currently a little peeved about the 2008 Summer Olympic Games being held in China. This is something that has come more to the forefront after highly effective, and disruptive protests in London and Paris. These protests caused a last minute change of route in San Fransisco in order to keep the flame away from protesters attempting to extinguish it.

Now, granted, the situation in Tibet, is a little messed up. And, yeah, China is kind of an asshole about these things, and the rest of the world isn't too cooperative. Look at Taiwan for goodness sake, the UN and the US, as of last I checked still haven't recognized them as an official country, but simply as a rogue province. But, whatever. People want to protest about human rights violations in Tibet, that's fine. I think they're doing a pretty good job of it, since they chose a highly visible, and universally recognized symbol to attack as representative of their cause.

However, and sorry it took so long to get here, what makes me mad is THIS. An article about the repercussions the protests are having on the ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS of the CORPORATE SPONSORS of the Torch Relay and the Olympics. Specifically focused on in the article are Coca-Cola and Samsung. Can we talk about negligent journalism here? I'm pretty sure the main issue in this matter is human rights violations by one sovereign nation unto another. The word oppression comes to mind. Subjugation, perhaps. And yet, Alana Samuels of the LA Times thinks it's prudent to write about how these protests are hurting corporations that make millions of dollars at the expense of man kind. Someone needs to be protesting these corporations for human rights violations.

Ok, sorry, it's just that when I read the article I got a little pissed. Because it's ridiculous.

So, what you're here for:
Alana Samuels and her article get 1 Beard for being ridiculous.
The Olympic Torch gets 6 Beards and A Mustache for being what it is.
The Summer Olympics get 5 Beards because there is no bobsled, hockey, or downhill speed skating.
China, gets 1 Beard for fuckin' everything up.

There Will Be Blood

This was an incredible film. I saw it for free, however i would of gladly shelled out 10 bucks for the film.
For those of you that don't know about this film, because you could make your way out of that rock you have been living under, its a story of a Man, (Mr. Plainview- as played bu Daniel Day- Lewis) who started a oil company from the ground up. I don't want to disclose too much storyline, but understand this; this is a film that focuses on the Character of Daniel Plainview. (this is what won him an Oscar for best actor)This is a story of family, greed, religion, and oil. Apart from Daniel Day-Lewis we also see Paul Dano ( the older kid from little miss sunshine) in the film. His character is a reverend in a New Boston California, a city that Mr. Plainview is drilling oil in. Again i can't tell you too much about storyline, but the acting is surreal, i definatly get a great sense of time with Day-Lewis however i saw Dano a bit far fetched, but when you see the movie you can understand why he is such a kook. Fact is, go see it. INCREDIBLE.

Solid 8 beards

Invisible Tanks

This is news is from last fall around the end of October, beginning of November but it was first brought to my attention by Alan about 2 days ago, so shut up. Apparently, according to reports from several sources the British Military conducted tests of their newly developed invisible tank. Both stories have different pictures, that are edited to show what the effect would be and sadly are not pictures of the actual vehicle.


While that is mildly disappointing, as a life long sci-fi and war junkie I find this all very exciting. I mean, they're invisible tanks! Of course, the only invisible tank I ever had experience with was the NOD Stealth Tank (3 Beards) from Command and Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars, and that thing was a piece of junk. Stealthy and fast, yes, but it took a veritable fleet of them to blow anything up. What a piece of crap, and way to drop the ball on that one C&C, should've made the damn Mammoth (6 Beards)invisible; now THAT would've been awesome.

In spite of all my nerdy excitement, this idea does leave me a little sad. There is part of me that likes to believe there is still some modicum of honor left on the battlefield. This is just another sneaky way to fight, and being a pirate and ergo an avid hater of ninjas I dislike sneaky means of fighting.

But, on the third hand, this gets me excited in another way, because the only truly practical way I could think of implementing this kind of technology, especially on a personal level would have to utilize nano technology(8 Beards). Nano technology is very exciting to me.

The Almighty Ollar?

The Mad Magazine Fold-in: The best interactive page in Magazine history ( Or at least on par with the Playboy Centerfold if you're male.) Unless you happen to be like me and horrible with folding straight lines. It not only provides you with something to do it provides jokes.

Mad Fold-in 8 Beards
Playboy Centerfold 8 Beards (Only because I have to do less work by folding out. Not because of the nudity. That's how it got to 7.5 beards)

Death By Blog.

So I just read about blog death. In case you didn't I give you the short version.

"Russell Shaw, a prolific blogger on technology subjects who died at 60 of a heart attack. In December, another tech blogger, Marc Orchant, died at 50 of a massive coronary. A third, Om Malik, 41, survived a heart attack in December...Other bloggers complain of weight loss or gain, sleep disorders, exhaustion and other maladies born of the nonstop strain of producing for a news and information cycle that is as always-on as the Internet."

Sounds to me like this is death by a classic case of Fat Ass. These three guys sat on their computers all damn day (probably eating steak'ums and chasing it with 9 cans of red bull) and two died as a result of their gross (and I mean gross) mistreatment of their bodies. The problem with this story is that some assfags don't know when to say "I'm done!" They feel the need to nay say and provide useless conjecture on subjects instead of breaking down the facts and giving you a straight forward rating (maybe on a 9.0 scale) on any subject.

These people need to get a damn 9-5 job or if blogging is their 9-5 job learn that after 8 hours of work you can stop. The only people who should stress out about work all day are Lawyers and and kind of Law enforcement. These deaths could be avoided by a better diet and some physical activity ranging anywhere from weightlifting to dodgeball(Go Harrison Ford(9 goddamm beards)) to DDR. (I know, I know but at least it gets you up and moving.)

Also does nobody notice that Travis posts twice in one day and one of the posts is about death by blogging? If no one else is going to say it Travis, I worry for your health. I know you posted at work, but still....
So anyway death by blogging (and DDR) will receive a One Beard constructed entirely out of pubic hair for being a dumbass way to kick the bucket.

On a side note: Summer don't you ever joke about a shaved face, they aren't funny. I will personally see to it that your life is made null if you do it again. Negative beards-see, this is why you can't be in on The Beard, giving out negative points Your ineptitudes sicken me woman.

Blogging Will Kill You

Holy crap, two updates in one day? Thats more then you pukes usually get in a week. No thanks to certain Randys, Alans, and Kevins, whose names will not be mentioned. Anyways, I'm reporting to you life from a high altitude balloon to bring you the news that this little foray into the world of the interwebs just might kill me. That's right, apparently, according to this article, Blogging might kill you. Seriously, there are Google statistics.

Death By Blogging gets 2 Beards, it gets an extra one for the sheer WTF factor your friends and family will experience when told the news.

And here's an extra goody for you courtesy of the lovely, but MIA, Liz Waldner.

TPS Report

Which of course forces me to post this:

Run Fatboy Run

What I still don't understand is why they couldn't put the appropriate commas in the title? They did it in the UK version, why not the American version. Two measly commas is all I ask. But, alas, I must digress. Run Fatboy Run is David Schwimmer's first foray into directing movies, and he couldn't have picked a better crew to do it with then Simon Pegg's. Having already written and stared in two highly successful films (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) that could make you cry and think as easily as they made you laugh, this movie had great promise to it before I even got in the theater. Simon also collaborated with that evil bastard of the comedy underworld, Michael Ian Black, to write the script which I think only made the film better.

The movie's premise is simple, Dennis (Simon Pegg) leaves his pregnant fiance, Libby, at the altar on their wedding day. The majority of the movie takes place 5 years later with Shaun trying to come to terms with being a father and watching Libby having turned her attentions to a new man. However, this isn't some sappy crap filled éclair of a love story, but rather an exploration of the journey towards self responsibility we all must make. The importance of friends also plays a major role in the film as well, almost as major as Dylan Moran's (who plays Dennis' best friend and Libby's cousing) bare man ass. I would've much rather seen more of India de Beaufort's ass. But, whatever.

David Schwimmer made an excellent directing debut. He really made the movie work, and it was nice to see a divergence from the fast paced, quick cut directing style of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Also the soundtrack was excellent. Totally loved it. It was fabulous, totally wow. Rad. No, seriously, great soundtrack. I recommend this movie to everyone, unless you hit British people, then fuck you.

Run Fatboy Run gets 7 Beards and A Mustache for being quite excellent.