Monsters vs Aliens

Yesterday after my first visit to the Tallahassee Flea Market (which was everything I wanted it to be) we went and caught the 330 showing off Monsters vs Aliens. Or is it Aliens vs Monsters? Does it matter? Maybe? Not to me? Regardless, it would have been nice to see it in 3D, but we're all too broke to afford the extra dollar, and supposedly, according to Kevin, it was because Katie drives like a grandma.

This movie sports what can only be described as an all-star cast. As in, ya know, they're all stars. You've got Reese Witherspoon, Hugh Laurie, Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, Stephen Colbert, and Keifer Sutherland just to name a few. I think most of them I have never seen/heard do voice acting before, but they all shone through here. Props to the casting department for nailing the voices for the characters in the film.

The film worked on many levels, mainly in carrying through the Disney founded (at least I feel Disney founded it, but maybe not) tradition of throwing in jokes for the adults that the kids will more than likely not catch. There were a handful of lines in this movie that were clearly targeted at older, and even more educated, viewers and they were all absolutely golden. Beyond the humor though, I really enjoyed it past the first 10 minutes or so. The beginning was kind of awkward due to them rushing to set up backstory and motivation for the main character, but after that the film settled down and became consistently enjoyable.

I'd definitely recommend this movie to just about anyone. I'm sure there are those of you out there who can't come down from their high horse enough to enjoy a good slap stick gag or a Stephen Hawkings joke, but for the rest of us, Monsters vs Aliens was a winner in it's own right.

Monsters vs Aliens gets 6 Beards and A Moustache. The Moustache is for the Hawkings joke. 

I Love You, Man

This past Sunday hit like a ton of bricks, if a ton of bricks weighed like waking up in the morning with absolutely nothing to do. So, to fill the vaccuous gaping maw of existence that is my life I went and had a delicious bacon, egg, and provolone bagel at BagelBagel (6 Beards) for brunch. Now, after this I seriously contemplated laying down in the sun in the parking lot and falling asleep for a while. Instead we went to go see I Love You, Man.

I wouldn't say I had high expectations for this film, because I try to go in without any real expectations. I mean, if you don't have any expectations then you can't really be let down can you? Eh? Eh? Yeah, I also use this philosophy to get me through life. Except not. I think I actually use a reverse philosophy where I expect everything to be as awesome as me and then spend most of my vaccuous gaping maw of an existence being disappointed. Except for with movies! I expect nothing except to be entertained!

Wow, hi, hello there, how YOU doin'?

Anyways, I Love You, Man. Ok, got it. Let me premise by saying I love Paul Rudd and I love Jason Segel in a totally heterosexual with slight homoerotic undertones kind of way. Disregarding this, I Love You, Man presented a simple premise, stuck to it, and won my heart because of it. I was a little worried I wouldn't be able to relate to this film since I have THE BEST and MOST AWESOME group of guy friends a man could ever ask for, some of them going back over 10 years now. Yet this movie was really put together, and through what I'm assuming was a wonderful synthesis of script and acting they made me understand how awkward it would be to realize, at the age of 30 or so, that you don't have a best guy friend and that maybe you probably do need one.

Let me pause here, and address the ladies. While this movie does focus on weirdness that results from two grown men becoming best friends, I promise that not only will you find this film hilarious, but that you more than likely relate to it just as well as I did.

Last note: If you don't like Rush, then don't see this movie, and maybe it's time for you to sit and down think about why you're such a dick.

I Love You, Man gets 8 Beards for being solidly awkward, honest, and hilarious.

The Space Shuttle

This morning at approximately 830 AM Summer and I decided that we were going to leave work an hour early and drive the 4-4.5 hours to Titusville, FL in order to see what is scheduled to be one of the last Shuttle Launches ever. In addition, it will probably be one of the last night launches as well, since NASA seems to launch at night far less regularly then during the day. I'm filled with quite a bit of excitement right now, which I'm pretty sure is doing more to keep me awake then the coffee is at this moment, but it also spurred me to do a little extra digging on what is going on with NASA. I mean, I already kinda know, but I decided I needed to know more and that I need to share that information with you. Oh, and also that it needed to be saddled with an appropriate number of beards.

To begin with, NASA is cutting it's Shuttle program because it is a bloated beast. At approximately $60,000,000 per launch, the Shuttle is no longer a viable vehicle for space travel. Unfortunately, at the moment it is really the best method the world has for delivering and/or returning large payloads and crews to from space and the Internation Space Station (ISS). The program is scheduled to end with a final flight by the Shuttle Endeavour on May 31, 2010.

The replacement for the Shuttle is actually kind of a step backwards, but since it's supposed to be part of our return to the moon as well as continued service to the ISS I guess it kind of makes sense. The replacement vehicles are part of the program called the Constellation Program. The program consists of the Ares V, which will be used for delivering large cargo payloads to the ISS as well as preliminary equipment to the moon. In addition, astronauts will now reach space via a combination of the Ares I booster rocket and the Orion crew module (which looks eerily like the return modules used during the Apollo missions, but lacks the distinct form of the attached moon lander).

There is a problem here, and that lies in the fact that the Ares and Orion launch systems are not slated to be ready until 2014 at the latest, and according to more pessimistic (and probably more realistic) opinions may not be ready for flight until 2015. This leaves NASA with a full 4-5 years in which they will have to rely on Russian Soyuz-rocket flights to get American Astronauts into space. The problem here is that after Russia's little skirmish with Georgia, Russo-American relations are a little strained and will probably need to be relaxed before Russia agrees to allow American astronauts on their flights again. On top of this, one must worry that Russia might revert in to the USSR again before we get our Ares system up and running.

All of this only serves to reinforce my belief in the need for either NASA to be partially, privatized or for private corporations to really start picking up the ball on economizing (relatively) space travel. One more reason I love Google is for their Lunar X Prize which offers a $20,000,000 prize to whoever manages to land a rover on the moon, have it travel a minimum of 500 meters, and transmit back high definition video and audio. The contest also includes a 2nd place prize of $5,000,000. In addition, bonus prizes totaling up to $5,000,000 will be awarded for such accomplishments as "roving long distances (greater than 5,000 meters), capturing images of man made objects on the moon, detecting ice on one of the Moon's craters, discovering the remains of Apollo program hardware, or surviving a lunar night." The Lunar X Prize is simply a continuation of the Ansari X Prize which awarded $10,000,000 to the first "non-government organization" to successfully launch a manned spacecraft into space twice within two weeks.

However, more needs to be done. Companies like Boeing, Lockheed-Martin, and their competitors both domestic and foreign need to start investing serious capital into research and development of travel to and habitation in space. Also, power companies need to seriously start considering, researching, and pursuing the amount of energy that can be produced by solar arrays that are placed in high orbit.

Alright, that's all I got. I mean, I love space and I want to see Mankind find a truly viable means for us to move beyond this planet before I die in a hundred years. 

The Space Shuttle gets 5 Beards because despite being really expensive it has allowed us to stay at the front of the Space game for over 20 years.

The Constellation Program gets 5 Beards because while I'm glad we're moving away from the Shuttle program, this program seems to lack any kind of innovation.

The X-Prize Foundation gets 7 Beards for facilitating research and development in the private space industry.

Non-government organizations get 1 Beard for not doing enough to get my ass into space.

A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore

I think this will be the first book review that I've done here? That's been done on here? It's not that we don't read, well I read, everyone else in this madhouse is illiterate, I swear to god, but it's really more so that prior to January when I was still in school I didn't do much leisure reading, and what I did just never made it's way to The Beard. Wow, ok, MOVING ALONG. A couple of weeks ago Jana kicked me in the back of knee, causing me to fall to the ground where upon she proceed to choke me until I agreed to purchase and read the book A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. So I did.

The book has an interesting premise: Charlie Asher wtinesses the death of his wife mere moments after the birth of their daughter and his life is irrevocably changed because he is now an agent of Death. This is probably the most light hearted take on Death and dying that I've ever read or viewed. Despite this, Moore manages to maintain a relatively somber and semi-serious tone throughout the book; the key word here being relative since quite a bit of what takes place in this novel is actually quite ridiculous.

What really kept me going in A Dirty Job wasn't neccesarily the plot or the action, but rather it was the characters. Moore does an absolutely excellent job of writing Charlie Asher as the pinnacle of the Beta Male. This excellence extends to the rest of the main characters as well, each with their own quality of dialogue and thoughts to the point where you could show me any line of dialogue (of reasonable length) from the book and I could probably told you who said it.

I only had two real issues with this book, one being pretty minor and the other being kind of significant. The minor issue is that the book has some pacing issues early on, as in I was wholly uninterested and bored for about the first 40 pages. After that though, it was fantastic. My second problem, is not neccesarily the fault of the book itselt, but more then likely a product of the type of books I've read over the course of my life. When I finished this book, it didn't leave me with that heady sense of revelation and/or satisfaction that one gets from reading something along the lines of say 1984 or Frankenstein. A Dirty Job is a light snack in comparison to these smorgasbords. But, if that's what you're looking for, something quick, easy, and enjoyable to read then by all means go for it.

Last note: this book is probably good for anyone 14 or older. Mainly because I think anyone younger then that wouldn't really be able to grasp all of the emotional aspects, and that parents might not want their children to be exposed to the several scenes of blatant sexual tension between some of the characters.

A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore gets 5 Beards.

The Watchmen

Hello, Darkness, my old friend. I saw you again this weekend when I went to see The Watchmen on Saturday. Ok, enough of that. Saturday after Brandon and Randy accidentally ate raw beef from the Chinese buffet we went to for lunch, we hoped over to the mall to catch the 13:45 showing of The Watchmen. I had strange feelings going into this movie; mainly I wanted the movie to be awesome, but while still doing justice to the original story.

The movie started out exactly as it should have: with the Comedian's death. From there it moved directly into what can really only be described as the best possible translation of the book into the movie. (Part of me wants to stop mentioning the book, but on second thought that would be rather impossible).

Director Zack Snyder did an absolutely excellent job of casting the characters in this film. I was most impressed with the choices of Billy Crudup, Jackie Earle Haley, and Jeffery Dean Morgan for the roles of Dr. Manhattan, Rorschach, and The Comedian respectively. I was also rather impressed with the acting since all of the characters were so thoroughly fleshed out and left no room for the actors to make them their own. This is of course something I agree with in any movie that is a direct or near direct translation of a book to a film.

In addition the effects of this movie were quite satisfactory. There was never a moment where the CGI was glaringly obvious enough to make me consciously recognize it, which is often an issue for me. Along with the effects, I was heartily impressed with the soundtrack. Each song used just felt  so deliciously appropriate, and it really helped to set the mood/facilitate the atmosphere of what was going on at any particular time in the movie.

Besides all of this, I was most impressed with the film itself. It managed to take a very complex story line, one infused with many many subtle sub-plots and by cutting out a lot of these sub stories present to us the core of the novel, and along with it the core story and all that it entails. Considering the film was only 2 hours and 45 mins long, the film managed to convey almost every essential aspect of this movie. A post film conversation made me realize that while I could definitely nit-pick this movie to death, I would rather just leave it alone and enjoy it for what it was.

A quick aside here before I throw down my final judgement: The Watchmen is NOT a comic book movie. It is not like Spider-Man, Ironman, The Fantastic 4, or even the new Batman films. This is a very mature movie, with very mature themes and very intellectual ideas. You have to pay attention to this movie from beginning to end or you will not get it, and if you do pay attention the whole time you still might not get all of it. Also, do not bring your 3 year old child to this movie. In fact, do not bring your 3 year old child to any rated R movie. It's rated R for a reason.

And one last recommendation: If at this point you haven't read the book, then just go see the movie and then read the book afterwards.

The Watchmen gets 8 Beards.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno

In the immortal words of that elderly couple who sat behind Kevin in Reno 911: Miami (7 Beards): "What is this a pooooorrrrrnnnnooooo?!" No, but seriously, this movie isn't ACTUALLY a porno. Although, my mom think it is if she ever actually watched it, but I'll go to great lengths to make sure that never happens. In a lot of ways Zack and Miri Make A Porno may look like a porno, it's really about the making of a porno. When this is over can I get someone to count how many times I say 'porno' in this review?

The movie starts two of the new faces of comedy Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. They play lifelong friends who are living together platonically in the same town they grew up, working shit jobs, and struggling to pay bills that were due months ago. The plot's fairly simple, but it works because the humor of this movie is driven by basically one thing: that two best friends are trying to make a porno together because all their utilities are cut off and they're about to get evicted.  

What suprised me about this was how at the end of this movie, they stripped away the comedy and suddenly there was this resolution to a story that I had been unwittingly following. Basically, once I stopped laughing and settled down for two seconds, I realized that this movie actually had something going on. That something turned out to be pretty good. And, they also threw in just enough twists to take a rather tired story and make it interesting and endearing.

Who's gonna like this movie? Well let me ask you a few questions:

Do you like Seth Rogen?

Do you like Kevin Smith movies?

Do you like porno titles that are sexy reimaginings of actual movie titles?

Do you like porno?

If you answered yes to any of those, then you're going to like this movie. If you answered yes to more then one, you're really going to like this movie. And, if you didn't answer yes to any of those questions then, well, you should probably go watch Brokeback Mountain again.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno gets 6 Beards.

The Wackness

I won't lie in this next sentence. I loved Josh and Drake, even after Josh got skinny. I mean, it was still a great show just Josh's self depreciating humor didn't quite make so much sense (or did it because possibly he was still wrestling with his inaccurate self-percieved body image due to his rapid weight loss?). Seriously, it was still funny. What's not funny is that Carly got her own fucking stupid show and it's fucking stupid. That's not what this is about though, this is about The Wackness and how the reason I chose to watch it is because it stars the infamous Josh Peck. A measure of how stoked I was about this movie? Instead of leaving it festering at the bottom of my Netflix Queue I bumped it up to just below the last 4 discs of Battlestar.

First off, this movie is set in the summer of 1994 and it is the most 90s-tastic movie that wasn't made in the 90's that I have ever seen. I almost got nostalgic. Part of this setting was the soundtrack, which was awesome because it mainly featured some of the best rap to come out of the late 80's and early 90's. They throw a few other tracks in there as well, but overall it was probably one of the most aptly put together soundtracks I've heard in a while. This is mainly due to the fact that music made sense in time with the movie.

Anyways, the film follows Josh Peck as 18 yr old Luke Shapiro who has just graduated high school and is trying to earn as much money as he can in his summer before college by selling more weed. What was interesting is that the drug aspect of this film ends up taking a back seat and really only seems to serve as a vessel to string all the elements of the plot together, and to tug them along through the stream so they don't get caught in some twigs and stagnate. Beyond this the film revolves around Luke's relationship with his (kind of) shrink Dr. Spires and their relationship with eachother as well as the women in their lives.

The Wackness takes on a lot of big thoughts in this film and succeeds completely. I was totally satisfied at the end. Part of me wishes I had watched this when I was 17 or 18, but the other part of me knows that I would have rejected most of it outright because it has a backdrop of drug culture. The rest of the movie really overshadows this though (like I said before) and it's the challenges Luke and Spires face that are what really make this movie appealing. Besides all this though, the movie was excellently shot with quite a few Charlie Kaufman-esque cuts and dreams sequences that are excellently interwoven to keep from the veiwer from feeling complacent.

This is a movie I would recommend that most people under the age of 35 watch, but I make no promises that it will be fully enjoyed.

The Wackness gets 7 Beards And A Moustache.

Josh and Drake gets 6 Beards pending a full review.

The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford

I think this movie sat on my Netflix queue for at least 3 or 4 months before I finally got it. After receiving it I'm pretty sure it sat around my house for at least a week or two. Eventually, I broke down from the boredom of cleaning my room and decided to watch all 2 hours and 40 minutes of it. I think the reason it sat around for so long is because I was apprehensive about watching it. While I had heard some good things about it, the majority of the what was on the grapevine was negative a la, "terrible"; "worst movie I have ever seen"; "bored me to tears"; "my grandmother killed herself while watching it."

 

The first highly notable thing about this film is that it seems like every damn person in it is a super famous and/or super awesome actor. Doesn't matter how small the roll, it's probably someone famous. On top of this, the acting in this film is fantabulous. Brad Pitt, Sam Rockwell, and Casey Affleck especially play their roles delightfully. The roles played by actresses such as Mary-Louise Parker and Zooey Deschanel are brief, suprising, and effective as well. In retrospect, my opinion on Brad Pitt in this movie may be a bit swayed. He plays a crazy person, and we all know how much I love when Brad Pitt plays crazy people (see: Fight Club and 12 Monkeys).

The movie is paced in a horrifically ungainly manner, and there are long stretches of silence punctuated by dialogue that often made me squirm in my seat. Parts of this movie will make you think you're getting bored, but you're probably not. It's hard to describe this movie because it's something that has to be taken as a whole. I wouldn't even go so far as to say I had a favorite part. It also has a narrator who comes in intermittently to fill you in on what has happened in the inexplicable time jumps that have just occured.

Despite all that, I really enjoyed The Assassination of Jesse James. As I said above, it's something that has to be taken in as a whole. If you only catch parts of it, or turn it off halfway through, or come in halfway through, you're probably not going to like it. I also recommend watching it by yourself so that there isn't anyone else around to distract you or interrupt it.

The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford gets 6 Beards.