Good Pyschology movie?

Okay kids, because I only have about 25 tv stations, I've been watching a lot of ABC Family. Because of this I have subjected myself to their "Countdown to the 25 days of Christmas" (and for those of you wondering there are 7 days until the 25 days of Christmas countdown.)
I bring this up to you because I recently watched a movie called Holiday in Handcuffs.

The movie is about a woman named "Trudie" played by Melissa Joan Hart who plans to visit her family with her then boyfriend Nick. Nick breaks up with her the day they are supposed to leave and then like all girls are apt to do Trudie goes crazy. Since she is working as waitress she chooses the best looking guy there (Mario A.C. Slater Lopez) and kidnaps him to bring home and meet her parents at Christmas.

Normally a movie like this would not be worth the celluloid it was filmed on, very basic. But the place that this movie shines is the fact that it depicts two psychological conditions and very well I might add. The first condition is Stockholm Syndrome where a kidnapping victim grows to like and care for their kidnapper.
The second is Lima syndrome which is the opposite, the kidnapper starts to develop feelings for their victim.
Okay without to much more text because I started this thing after a night of drinking...huh? yes I was up drinking and watching ABC Family what's it to you?

Holiday in Handcuffs gets 4 Clarissa explained beards
(side note I woke up and proofread this slightly then posted it, hooray drunk past randy for being lazy!)

Quantum Of Solace

Somehow we all managed to drag our sorry asses out of bed around 1030 yesterday and managed to make it to the theater (that is a 2 minute drive) by 1130. Barely. We showed up and plunked down our $4.75 and got to see the newest James Bond installment: Quantum Of Solace. Let me preface all of this by stating that I think the new Bond films are the best because they are finally taking the series in a new direction.

Now to start off, let's talk about Daniel Craig. Mr. Craig has been in some of my favorite movies over the last 6 or 7 years (Munich, Layer Cake, Road to Perdition, Golden Compass) and with the addition of his role in the new Bond movies and the preview for his upcoming film Defiance my enjoyment of him has only grown. While I fully recognize that Connery was an awesome Bond, he was definitely the best of the old school Bonds while Craig is the flag bearer of the new vanguard. In my humble opinion Craig's Bond is better than Connery's Bond. He just plays him with a little bit more edge that I never realized was missing until Craig brought it to the table. He basically makes all the other Bonds look like softies.

Ok, now that I've blown enough smoke up Daniel Craig's ass, lets talk about the rest of the movie. Quatum of Solace comes right out and kicks you in the left nut, and then walks away for a minute during the intro sequence/credits and then comes back and kicks you in the right nut. Feel free to substitute nuts for vagina lips, ladies. Anyways, this is to prepare for a movie full of "Oh my god"s "Wow"s and "Holy shit"s. These phrase can also be upgraded by adding "that's awesome!" to the end of them. The film is rock solid. Excellent filming really helps set and keep the mood of each scene as well as the overall story. The writing and dialogue is also interesting but efficient, I don't really feel like anything unneccesary was said. In addition, I totally got a big geek boner over the technology displayed in this film as well. A lot of it was subtle but the stuff used in the MI6 headquarters was fracking amazing.

The thing I liked most about this movie can be boiled down to one idea: continuity. This movie literally picks up no more than 15-30 mins after where Casino Royale ended. The continuity they are building here is impressive, and it definitely lends itself to a more immersive and therefore enjoyable experience. All the previous Bond movies had a serious single serving aspect to them and in retrospect I feel like that hurt them a little bit. One other thing of importance to me is the turn towards realism that these two films have taken. As much as I loved Q, the nonsense gadgets and Aston Martins with more weaponry than an armored cavalry division are not missed.

Quantum of Solace gets 9 Beards for being fucking awesome.

New Facebook

What's this?  Double update?  Well, I did neglect this thing for a long time.  I figured I should try to get a second one up to make it happy.  Haha, see what I did there?  No?  Well screw you, jerk.  I'm here to talk about something a bit controversial today: the new version of Facebook.

Let me get this out of the way.  Everyone who hates the new Facebook is a fucking troglodyte who should have their internet priveleges revoked.

The biggest complaint I've heard is that people can't find the things they're looking for, and my counter to this is, take 30 seconds out of your day and maybe look around the screen a little bit.  Most things have simply been rearranged.  Now, I know this might be a little tough to deal with, because lord knows people have a hard enough time with Publix moving something from one aisle to another, but God forbid the programmers move a link on their favorite social networking site.  And, also, no one ever sends me a petition against Publix when they decide to rearrange the layout of their store.

The profiles are where we saw the biggest changes, with the addition of the tabs.  While this may seem dumb at first, it's actually quite ingeniuous because now you don't have to go srolling all over the damn place trying to find someones contact info, favorite's lists, Bumper Stickers, etc.  Also, the combination of the wall and the news feed is ingenious.  I love it.  I think it's the smartest thing Facebook has done since adding the ability to comment on peoples' status.

Wait, I take it back.  The smartest thing Facebook has done, and the definitive argument in favor of the new Facebook is the Pirate setting for the language.  Just scroll to the bottom of any page, and in the left hand corner next to the copyright is the language setting, just change it to English(Pirate) and you'll see what I mean.

New Facebook gets 7 Beards for being a big step forward, and for not kowtowing to the pressures of the ignroant masses.  Of course it lost points for still being Facebook and still causing me to waste endless hours of my life and because the goddamn picture uploading app still sucks.

In Bruges

Oh, hello there, Interwebs, I didn't see you there.  Let me put my pants back on.  Ok, now that we're that much more intimate I've got a little story to tell.  It's a story about a little film called In Bruges, and I'm going to tell as best I can remember because I may have been drunk while watching it.  Or, I could've been totally sober sitting on my couch soaking my ass rash in a bucket of mayonaise and tomato soup.

Starring Colin Farrell and Ralph Fiennes (there are others buy you probably don't know them) the movie follows the story of two hit men who are sent to the small city of Bruges, Belgium after a botched job.  Haha, I accidentally typed bitched at first.  That was funny.  Moving on.  There are two main characters: the younger hitman, Ray (played by Farrell) who thinks Bruges is a shithol, and Ken (played by not Ralp Fiennes) who thinks it's a delightful little town.

The story is fairly straightforward, but also interestingly designed.  I was pretty much enraptured the whole time and found myself both laughing hysterically and deeply concerned for the characters.  Granted when some of you watch it and think back on my reaction it may jsut cement your findings that I am missing the morality section of my brain since this move involves several moments of extreme violence, racism, and drug use.  All of which I found hysterical.

In Bruges gets a solid 9 Beards because there's not a single moment in the movie where I felt uninterested. 

P.S. Don't watch this movie if you don't like blood.

Champagne/ Sparkling Wine

Alright kids and..kiddettes..(hey is that a word?...yeah I know it's got the red squiggly thing under it..ahh to hell with it I'll keep it in there.) Sorry for the major delay but I've been doing things that make me to gassy to type, and they smell is just awful. But let's move on to something that has recently been on my mind. I've been drinking a wider variety of things lately, and have recently consumed different types of Champagne.
Before I get into the "Judgement" I'd like to give a short history of wine. It was made by French monks just as a light wine used for Eucharist and anointing kings. Later it became the bubbly wine that we know now until about 17th century. When fermentation caused it to be carbonated, making some corks and bottles to go 'splode. Giving it the name "The Devil's Wine." "Champagne" is made in the Champagne region of France and is one of the names protected by the EU's Protected Designation of Origin. (Like Feta, Grappa, and Asaigo.)

My most recent scrap with sparkling wine has been Cristal. For those of you have haven't had it, the swill tastes like Flintstones chewable vitamins. It's just so damn gross. Now if you enjoy the taste of Flintstones Chewable that's all you. Me however? I don't dig it. I've had good tasting Champagne and Expensive Champagne. But this stuff is to much of the latter and not enough of the former.
The main reason that I dislike Champagnes and Sparkling wines is that there is a small amount of sugar added to second fermentation process. It's that sugar that leaves you with a severe case of hangover (Or as I call it "Head Hurty/Head 'Splodey" ) after drinking waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy... to much.(more than 2 glasses). Now if you want to get drunk off of something Champagne is the way to go. Those sugars combined with it's carbonation will get you messed up. Anyways I've rambled enough let us go to the judging section.

Based on a basic 5 beards standard
-1 beard for being the ultimate giver of Head 'Splodey.
-1 beard for being made in France the country that is only a'ight because they gave us Parkour and Jean Reno.
+1 beard for being able to get you drunk real fast.
-1 Beard for usually tasting like crap.

So for those of you bad with math... Champagne/ Sparkling wine gets a "less than average" 3 beards from me. Use it only when needed. Like when you're trying to get your girlfriend drunk. So she'll pass out and let you play video games and eat Nachos in peace.

Football

hello.

the football season is fast approaching. with NFL training camps already in session the first NFL pre-season game comes up August 7. August 29 is the first College Football game. College football had an outstanding year last year, it seemed like every game was better than the last. this fact only gets me more excited for the upcoming season. SO:

College Football: 8 Beards
NFL Football: 7 beards and a moustache
Canadian Football: 1 Beard
Arena Football: 5 Beards
Australian Rules Football: 4 Beards
English Football: Soccer

Girlfriends Part 2

So some time ago when the beard was a we one, my friend Al posted this.
Since I am the person who has had the most experience being single and dealing with people in relationships in our circle. I believe I can re-evaluate this with little to no subjectivity. ( and before I am hit up with "this is our blog and our opinions we're allowed to be biased" I propose this - why can't we bring our own brand of criticism and look at thing objectively?)

Now I what I want to examine further was the following statement -
"To a single person bro's before ho's means: leave her alone and come hang out with my lonely ass. To a relationshiped (look it up) person it means: girlfriend is being a bitch so let me complain to you."

Now as far as that second part goes I mostly agree with it. However there is a flip side to that statement. That first portion I feel I must say "Hold those horses, end their existence with a shotgun and make glue out of their asses." Being on the sidelines of this war because love is a battlefield. I've taken time to do some damage assessments (haha i said asses again) . There are, for the purpose of trying to not type a novel, 5 different types of girlfriends/relationships... and they are in order from best to worst.

Before I begin I'd like to say this applies to both males and females and in the case of all of the examples I make feel free to switch any male placeholders with females and vice versa.

-The best friend/usually resulting in the longest of all terms. This is the fun girlfriend/relationship. It's usually two people who everyone says "they are perfect for each other" or when they get married "you know, from day one I knew they were going to be together forever." This is the couple that truly loves one another. I like this one because I like the idea of gaining another best friend from the deal. This is the girlfriend you invite out without her boyfriend and her boyfriend doesn't get jealous. This is the girlfriend that you can crack jokes with and hell maybe even sometimes you find out that she can beat your ass in guitar hero. When you don't see them for an extended period of time you miss them both as a couple and as individuals. When you finally do get to see them you embrace them just as though they were family. This girlfriend/relationship gets 9 Beards.

- The "I think you're the one"/ Long to Mid term. This has all the symptoms of the first example. The difference is that there is a chance that that relationship will crumble. The chance that it will happen is very very low, but not so low that you can say it will never happen. Because it does, and when it does a lot of people are disenfranchised. The break up causes others to doubt their relationships, they suddenly ask themselves "I thought they'd be together forever. If they didn't make it what does that say about me and my relationship?" The problem with being a friend with this couple is - "who gets the kids after the divorce?" As one of the "kids" you find yourself torn. My personal situation ends involving my friends saying "bros before ho's/ chicks before dicks, she/he was a bitch/dick, why are you still hanging out with her/him?" to which I answer "He/She didn't do anything wrong to me. So I don't see any reason to not hang out with her/him." With time to heal their wounds they will one day be able to be friends again. This couple gets 7 beards.

-The you'll do for now/ initially short then into long term. This one is unusual in that it sometimes starts out as a convenient source for sex, that some how blooms into a relationship plant. No one is sure how it happened like that, but nobody objects. The break up can result from any number of things. As a friend to the couple if the two part ways you could really care less. You get to keep your old friend and the girlfriend is someone you can have civil conversation with at a party or wave to across the street. But you'll never see her again. This one gets a slightly left of the middle of the road 4 beards

-The bitch/ Mid to short term This is a girlfriend that nobody in the friend group can stand..Sure she starts off nice enough then horrible things start to happen. A succubus transforms from this "sweet" girl and more or less consumes everything that you once like about your friend. This is the wench that wakes you up in the middle of the night at your parents house asking...no DEMANDING to know where her boyfriend is. To which you reply "I don't know" and after closing the door you give him a pillow and blanket and say "you can stay here until the coast is clear. This is the hag, that thinks she is part of the gang because she is invited to all the group activities by her boyfriend (which was actually the person everyone else to party with). I could go on but I've got one more couple to decide. In the end when the relationship fails...because it is doomed to...it ends violently. It seems that after that time the boyfriend asks around"why didn't you tell me she was such a bitch?" to which all of the friends say. "You were happy" They then ask all of their friends "you'll tell me if I'm ever dating a bitch again right?"..sure we will... sure we will. 3 beards. awarded simply because atleast your friend thought they were happy.

- The functioning dysfunctional /Like everyones reaction to a night of binge drinking and a Taco Bell run it varies. This is just horrible. This,like a baby hooked on heroine, is doomed to circle the drain from the get go. This couple functions like two parents before they divorce while they have delusions that they can still be together. No one ever wants to hang out with them because everything de-evolves into a fight and consequently makes things awkward. They are awarded 1 Beard

So all in all averaging out the scores here relationships get 4.8 beards but since I work by price is right rules I'm going to round up and say 5 beards.

being in a relationship i'll say that relationships get an average of 8 beards. Because the ones that are happy are indeed happy and the ones that aren't don't know until afterwards

Portrayal of Human Hysteria

I want to take a look at the scene in War of The Worlds when they are driving the van towards the ferry crossing and they are attacked by the mob. I just want to point out that I love this scene because to me it is an honest and unrelenting portrayal of the complexities of the human mind in a situation of panic. The speed at which the crowd escalates to violence, and how that violence is so intense that those trying to seize the car have such a complete disregard for Rachel's presence inside. What also rings very true to me is how immediately after Ray fires his gun in the air everything stops and those who had been attacking him just moments before are now admonishing him to calm down and "cool off." Also, how it all immediately resumes after the other man with the gun takes possession of the car, and how the resumption sees a stark increase in the violence as one of the first attackers picks up Ray's gun and proceeds to empty the remaining four rounds into the man now in control of the vehicle.

This scene and its delightfully accurate portrayal recieves 7 Beards and A Moustache

George Carlin

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The Savagaes

In addition to renting Strange Wilderness the other day, the lady and I also rented The Savages. I had seen previews for it, but figured it was something I could wait to come to video (can I still say that since videocassettes are no longer used?) since it didn't appear to be an action movie with a million dollar effects budget. You know what I mean? You spend $10 to see something like Iron Man or Independence Day on the big screen, or even something like Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. But, movies like The Savages you save for home viewing.

ANYWAYS, the movie was excellent. Laura Linney needs to win some kind of award this year. Between this movie and the John Adams miniseries on HBO she has been stellar. Of course, this is only enhanced by an excellent performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. The two play brother and sister who have been estranged from their father for quite a while (I can't remember if it was years or decades) but are suddenly reunited with him and are forced to deal with his newly developed dementia and deteriorating condition.

I wont give anymore away, so I'll just tell you that the movie was very good and very moving and that I felt it really conveyed the emotions of what its like to deal with a dying parent, even if they have been out of your life for some time. The movie was filmed very simply, nothing over the top and nothing horribly artsy, and I think that really worked with the piece. As a good descriptor, this movie was like a more realistic and far less whimsical Big Fish. I definitely recommend this movie to anyone.

The Savages gets 6 Beards.

Strange Wilderness

There was something very wrong with this movie. Maybe it was the bad acting, or the poor story, or the bad filming. Either way, I can't put my finger on it and I have to tell you all, Don't Watch It.

The movie was just bad, and even the presence of Allen Covert, Jonah Hill, and Justin Long couldn't help to salvage the thing. I mean, it had a few amusing parts and I chuckled a few times, but I spent most of the movie just wondering what the fuck was going on. And, the ending was just retarded. That's all I've got to say. Oh, that and the fact the laughing shark part was funny, but not 6 times in a row.

This review is over, Strange Wilderness gets 2 Beards for the couple chuckles it got out of me.

HULK SMASH EXPECTATIONS!!!

Last Night I saw the Incredible Hulk. I hypothesize that some guy in the back of Marvel’s movie studio said “Hey! Why can’t we make a good comic book movie?” Then x-men was made, and then they said “That was fun! Can we do it again?” Several movies later (ignoring FF4 original hulk and elektra) now we have The Hulk.

To quickly sum up without spoiling the movie; the movie makers apologize to the audience for that blunder of an Ang Lee film by knocking that first piece of trash hulk movie out of the water in all categories..

They made the movie a sequel…kind of. Since a background story was established the that abortion of a first movie, they skip right over that whole explanation thing by recapping it in the opening credits.

And a few more awesome points

-They make the hulk look like ed norton

-Several awesome cameos (including a recent comic book hero turned movie star don’t worry I didn’t ruin anything)

-Awesome references to the Hulk show

-They give the hulk it’s own pair of hulk hands

-Parkour + The Hulk=One word “HULKOUR”

To quote Kevin in his Iron Man post “if you're not a comic follower you'll love it. if you ARE, then this is a guaranteed must own, once it gets to DvD, that you'll enjoy to have amongst your collection.”

9 Gamma Irradiated Beards

Files, Filing, Filing Cabinets

I've spent approximately the last 5 days at work in a storage closet moving files and re-alphabetizing them. Let's say, if I never have to do something like this I'd be a-ok with it. However, it has given me time to think about the whole idea of files and filing and file cabinets.

My main complaint is that considering we live in the information age, and that most people (at least in this great country) have access to a computer and the internet, why the fuck do we still have paper files? I went to the doctor a few days ago (6 Beards) and their whole office had gone paperless, but yet where I work we still keep track of everything on paper. And by track of everything, I mean we probably have between 300 and 400 active students with approximately 75 graduating every Fall and Spring. Would it really be that hard to switch over to electronic files?

This would be great because it would eliminate the super tedious task of filing, a task that is very prone to difficulties and mistakes. Someone has a file out and someone else goes to file something in that file? Where'd it go? Who has it? I can't find it so I'm sticking it in the unfilable bin. Or, say I've found the right file, think I have my finger on it, look away to grab the piece of paper/information, turn back and stick the paper in the wrong file and POOF that piece of information is lost to all efforts shy of tearing apart all the files and hunting it down.

The other problem with all this is filing cabinets. Filing cabinets SUCK. None of them are designed at a good height, and any extensive amount of filing always results in some kind of unnecessary and prolonged bending over and/or squatting. Also, as I learned today, if you're using a filing cabinet that is 4+ drawers high, never EVER have more then one drawer pulled out at a time. Not even on accident. It will fall, possibly on you, and either way you will have to catch it and probably have a drawer fall out (which luckily for me the files stayed in even while completely 90 degrees and perpendicular to the ground). So, yeah. Two drawers. Don't forget it.

Also, note that this is me whining about files, and filing and not about my job which is awesome because it's inside during the summer heat. I love my job. My job gets 7 Beards. It would get more if I got paid more.

Paper Files get 3 Beards
Filing gets 1 Beard
File Cabinets get 3 Beards

Coffe, Sugar, Starbucks, and Makin' Money

I was never a big coffee drinker for most of my life, and I have to admit that I'm still not a real big coffee drinker. I don't really go out of my way to get some, and I don't often drink any after noon. Coffee, that is, not alcohol. I drink plenty of alcohol after noon, don't you worry. But, yeah, I've come to find that really enjoy coffee, especially when I get the sugar/cream/coffee ratio just right. I must say thought that the cup I'm drinking right now tastes more like some just ran some water over the beans and into my cup rather than any kind of brewing took place. Can you say weak?

Anyways, what sparked this whole thing is that I spent an hour this morning in the break room with my co workers. Just manging on a delicious cinnamon roll and drinking coffee. An, also tearing up the 40 or so packets of sugar I stole from Starbucks and pouring them into our sugar container. It was a pretty sweet way to make $7.50, let me tell you.

Coffee gets 7 Beards.
Starbucks gets 3 Beards.
Stealing sugar from Starbucks gets 5 Beards.
Spending an hour drinking coffee and making money gets 8 Beards.

Pregnancy

This is about the funniest thing I've seen in a while. I really want to get to know this pregnant chick.

this gets like 7 beards and a moustache
http://www.theselfishbastard.com/pregnancy-tips-for-dummies/

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Alright, to be honest this post should've been up like 2 days ago, but I've been distracted by three things: the massive archives of Scary-Go-Round, Dr. Apollo von Pizza, and marker fumes. They are very distracting indeed. But, enough wish-wash. We went to the 12:01 showing at our local theater, and let me just say I am very glad we went and saw it before pretty much 99% of everyone else who will ever watch this movie. No, really I am.

So, honestly it's been twenty years since the last Jone's flick, but I am convinced that Harrison Ford gets into this costume on the weekends and pretends to be Indiana like Jews celebrate the Sabbath, dutifully, regularly, and from sundown till sunup. He was pretty swell. Karen Allen's return was pretty swell, and the development of her character was nice too. She was no longer the smarmy, smart-mouthed lush she was in Raiders, but was much more fitting with what had happened to her in between. They also very neatly wrote out some old characters, and added some excellent new characters. These new people being of course Shia TheBeef and Cate Blanchett. I thought both played their characters excellently, and really helped flesh out plot of the movie.

*****SPOILER ALERT******




As for the plot, I thought it was well conceived and an excellent late 40's continuation of the kind of things Indiana Jones had experienced and sought after in the original three films. The transition from Nazis to Russians was (to me at least) the only logical choice and I'm glad it was made rather then going for some kind of rebel Nazi group fighting on in the Fuhrer's memory. This was already excellently done by Hellboy and others and did not need to be reiterated. While the whole alien skull thing may have been a tough pill for some to swallow, I thought it made perfect sense. It fit right in with the scientific and military priorities of Russia at the time as well as many popular, if not decried, theories about early human civilization. Bravo to George and David for bringing us a fine story and a fine script.




******SPOILERS OVER********





Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull (forever after to be refered to as Indiana Jones 4) gets Seven Beards and A Mustache.

Dresden Codak and Rice Boy

Earlier today I was reading the new page on my new favorite webcomic, Dresden Codak, that I picked up on thanks to the Emerald City Comicon. It's a pretty sweet comic, and Im excited to see where this story goes as he's only like 20 or 30 pages in. The art is nice too, kind of reminds me of the E-surance commercials but with more attention to lines and a slight mixing in of anime chracteristics. The writing is witty and smart, including two Wonder Twinesque characters that take on different scientific properties. It's righteous. I would recommend starting here.

Well, anyways, after reading the page I read the news post at the bottom and it told me that a certain comic called Rice Boy had just finished, and that it was probably one of the writer's top 3 favorite webcomics. So, I decided to take a look, and man am I glad I did. The series ran a little over 2 years and took place over almost 40 chapters. The art is elegant, but has a childlike aspect to it which makes it more powerful. The story is an epic arc about prophecies, searchers, fulfillers, friendship, destiny, and doing what has to be done. I read the whole thing in about an hour and a half, it shouldn't take most people much longer unless they're hampered by a slow connection. I warn you though, once you make it through the first few chapters you'll have a hard time tearing yourself away. From the home page, just click where it says "or Start at The Start".

Dresden Codak gets 6 Beards and A Mustache for being promising, having sweet art, and making me giggle a little bit so far.

Rice Boy gets 9 Beards for being beautiful, awesome, and epic. Go read it right now.

The Emerald City Comicon

Considering this was my very first comicon, I wasn't really sure what to expect. Well, I had an idea of what to expect but no hard concrete evidence, no empirical data, no facts. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised. Entry was no hassle. I showed up right before the doors opened, so by the time I got my badge most of the massive line had already moved inside and I just had to walk to where it ended and follow it inside.

I'll go ahead and say right now that it definitely was not as BIG as I was expecting, but I think a lot of that was my own fault for having blown it up in my head. There were endless booths, and oddly the three comic creators I was most eager to meet were all right by eachother. The Penny-Arcade and PvP booths were right next to eachother and the Questionable Content booth was right behind the PvP booth. And, considering this, I have to give props to Mr. Jacques in such that even though he was positioned so closely to two of the superstars of webcomics, the line to see him far outstripped the lines at the PvP and Penny-Arcade booths for a good part of Saturday.

The local 501st Imperial Legion "Vader's Fist" was on hand taking pictures to raise money for charity so Star Wars costumes were in no short supply. Vader, Mara, A smattering of Jedi's and Imperial officers and a veritable squad of Imperial troops (mainly stormtroopers [from varying time periods and climates] but a few gunners and pilots as well). There were also quite a few other impressive costumes. My favorite being the Lobster Johnson costume.

I also picked up on some sweet new webcomics to check out as well as seeing some AWESOME artwork at various booths. I'm excited about checking them all out.

There's lots more to say but I don't feel like saying it.

The Emerald City Comic Convention gets 8 Beards. No questions.

Smart People

I went to the Emerald City Comicon today (you'll get an update on that tomorrow when it's over) and in the middle decide to take a break for lunch. Well, I decided to go see a movie too since the theater was right across the street from the convention center. So, of course I went and saw Iron Man and I'm going to say flat out that it was absolutely horrible. First of, who the fuck decided to put Ellen Page and Sarah Jessica Parker into Iron Man? And, I thought they had cast Robert Downey, Jr to play Iron Man not fucking Dennis Quaid.

Also, when did Iron Man become a sentimental tale of a dysfunctional family centered around an embittered father who has retreated inside his own intelligence since his wife's death and then the generally breaking out of said hiding place? I thought Iron Man was supposed to be about a man made out Iron that flies around and blows shit up?

WTF.

Anyways, my main complaint is that nothing blew up in this movie, other than my heart.

Smart People get's 5 Beards for being well filmed, smart, and compelling. See at the dollar theater or rent it.

People of Dunedin

The people of the city of Dunedin are ridiculous. They are, in the modern terminology of the word, Gypsies. As i was out running with Brandon, Tim and Jon on the Pinellas Trail (7 beards)* i had discovered 3 things about the city 1. The city has potential 2. Their coffee is pricey and 3. the people of Dunedin take pride in stealing other city's' signs. No joke, there we signs from Countryside Golf Club hole 4 (never been there), Pier 60 in Clearwater (3 beards)**, and random bars proudly displayed in different back yards for all to see. Ladies and gentlemen the populace of Dunedin steal signs... thats kind of cool and weird at the same time. 4 beards and a mustache,its both bad, and good. a. they steal other city's sign which is ridiculously funny and b. they live in Dunedin, also they petal their wares at a high price. lame.

* really nice trail, pros is it gives a great exercise trail that keeps you further away from traffic dangers that one faces on the road, it's decently kept up, and it replaced old ugly train tracks. Cons is that there are creepy hobos making camp at times, and jerks that are too self indulged with them selfs that wont spare time to be polite to their fellow trail goers.

**Pier 60, tourist trap... 50 cents for a walk on it? really? it's a pretty spot but it's not worth the trouble of paying for parking within the city. Dealing with the locals trying to scrape every dime out of you and then having to chalk up 50 cents just so that you can go to the end of the pier. St. Pete Pier is cheaper and prettier in my opinion, or for that matter for a closer location go to the Sand Key National Park on the other island. both about (6 beards).

The Seattle Public Library

I'm sitting in it right now actually, The Seattle Public Library that is for those who don't read entry titles. This thing is freaking sweet. Nine stories accesible by the public, with the 6th, 7th, and 8th floors slowly spiraling their way up into eachother. It's also an amazing structure too. Gigantic, angular, and covered in a metal diamond pattern covered by some kind of glass or thick plastic. It's beautiful. All the escalators are colored bright, BRIGHT, yellow, and at the center of the building are several meeting rooms, and the whole floor is painted this real intese red and has only like 7 foot ceilings to make it feel like a heart since it's the heart of the building. Again, very cool. I'll post a link at the bottom with pictures since I can't download, save, and reupload pictures on this computer for your veiwing pleasure. Needless to say, this is probably the nicest, best funded, and most awesome looking library I have ever been in and will probably ever be in.

The Seattle Public Library gets 7 Beards and a Mustache.

Follow this link to read more, as well as a link to a picture gallery at the bottom with 20 excellent photos.

Iron Man

Look, just got back from seeing Iron Man. It was the best comic book movie i've seen, there is no doubt about it. All I'm saying is, if you're not a comic follower you'll love it. if you ARE, then this is a guaranteed must own, once it gets to DvD, that you'll enjoy to have amongst your collection. (plus, stay till the end of the credits)



9 beards- lets just say if it only goes to Blue-Ray, I'll buy a BR player without thinking twice. (which is big for me, i hate blue ray... just another more expensive disc for me to scratch up no matter how protective)

The Mist

I just watched The Mist. Shit's fucked up. Eight Beards. Better update later. Maybe.

Wristcutters: A Love Story

I saw a preview for this movie a while ago, probably at our local "Independent" movie theater Miracle 5 which is actually owned by Regal Cinemas, and remember being quite interested in it. So, when Kate and I sat down to watch a movie On Demand today and it was the first one to pop up on the list (and I refreshed my memory on what movie it was) we dove right into it. The premise is rather simple, a guy is upset because his girlfriend dumepd him, so he kills himself. He ends up in suicide purgatory? Which is just like the real world, only crappier.

The movie stars Patrick Fugit (Almost Famous), Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight's Tale, The Holiday), and Will Arnett (Let's Go To Prison, Arrested Development) are the most well known names in this movie, and they all do a pretty good job. I liked this movie because of the semi-unique setting and just the quirkyness of it as well. I'd recommend it to some, but not to others, and either way it's not something to rush out and go find right away but definitely worth a watch if it crosses your path.

Wristcutters: A Love Story gets 6 Beards.

The Epitome of greatness.

The Following page get nine undisputed beards.
Awesome.
'nuff said

Dan In Real Life

My overweight and illiterate roommate rented Dan In Real Life the other day, and I was mildly excited about it because I love watching Steve Carell when he's not acting like a Brick. It had been a while so I couldn't remember the previews and ergo could not remember the premise of the film. Leave it to say that I was delightfully surprised, and was overjoyed with the persistent awkwardness that movie seemed to revolve around. The premise of course being that Steve Carrel's character is a widower with 3 kids who meets a woman in a bookstore while at a family reunion, falls in love with her, and then finds out shes dating his younger brother, played by Dane Cook. I really liked Dane in this movie, he played his character well. Also, as an added bonus, the dad of the family is played by the dad from Fraiser! Yay, John Mahoney!

The movie was great, right up until the last like 8 minutes, at which point I lost all respect for it. The rest of the movie had been a delightfully slight departure for the norm on this type of movie, and then in the end they had to go and ruin it. THINGS DO NOT RECONCILE THAT EASILY.

Dan In Real Life gets 4 Beards.

Lonliness is underrated

Hello friends, sorry for my absence. I was respawning.

Anyway, smells. I was walking through the mall today and I realized just how great smells are and how they are so attached to certain memories. I smelled coffee, and cinnabon and perfumania, and randomly smelled tanning oil. But it was nice.

So:

Good Smells --7 Beards and 1 Mustache

Bad Smells --2 Beards, but only because it is fun to smell something bad and then get all your friends to smell it too, and you bond over the awful smell.

Children Of Men

The lady and I watched Children Of Men the night before last, as I needed to refresh it in my memory for a paper I was writing and she had never seen it. Released in 2006, this movie ended up in the top of many movie critics best movies of the year lists. Directed by Alfonso Cuaron, who also brought us Y tu mama tambien and the blockbuster Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban, and starring Clive Owen. Julianne Moore, and Michael Caine (omg, i'm so excited for Dark Night!). The movie is apparently loosely based off the novel by the same name, but how similar they are I don't know. Who reads anyways?

The premise of the movie is rather original, to me, and lends to creating an excellent setting. In the future women inexplicably become infertile, which leads to a massive change in the human social spectrum that causes much of the world to collapse. The movie follows Theo Faron (Clive Owen) in a futuristic, semi-police state, Britain trying to get by when he is suddenly swept up into a crazy scheme by his estranged wife, Julian Taylor (Julianne Moore), who is the head of a rebel group, in order to save mankind's last hope at survival.

So, yeah. The film is gripping, powerful, emotional, and chockful of ideas about humanity, social relations, government, gloablization, race, and sexism. It definitely makes me feel like someone opened a window and let some pollen in at the end. The cinematography is fantastic, and the dialogue is equal parts human, intelligent, and witty. Sadly, as Kate pointed out to me, the character development is lacking, especially in Jasper's wife. (crickets) You'll get it after you see the wife. But, seriously. Other than Theo, and to some extent Julian, most of the characters are very static. Besides this, though, the movie is pretty excellent.

Children of Men gets 8 Beards and A Mustache, for excellent story, excellent cinematography, and one of the most intense and emotional long shots I've ever seen in a movie.

The Best Around!!!

Taking a moment to look back the 80's; it gave us lots of things, Nintendo, GI Joe, Transformers, the Indiana Jones movies, the Back to the Future Trilogies, The Empire Strikes Back, The Return of the Jedi, Micheal Jackson (still black), Ninja Turtles, pop rocks, beat street and all four awesome writers of this here blog. (9 beards)

However it also gave us a lot of shitty stuff, MTV (Which for its time get 7 beards), the song let's get physical,the idea that women look sexy with giant shoulders, Crack rocks, that horrible horrible excuse for fashion, murder she wrote, Reagenomics, assassination attempt on JP II and New kids on the Block. (1 day-glow colored beard)

But if you ever thought"I wish there was one thing that could sum up the 80's in an neat 127 minute package, maybe a nice martial arts underdog story"

Then have I got the movie for you it stars a on Ralph Macchio tutored by a Mr Noriyuki "Pat" Morita; awesome 80's soundtrack, best use of 80's fashion, one of the best uses of the montage and one of the best heart gripping fight scenes that includes the greatest damn line ever. Rated 16 of 20 best on-screen fights by Rotten Tomatoes.
So all in all the Karate Kid gets 9 crane kicking beards for "putting me in a body bag...yeeeaahhh!!"

Drunkard

I found this story today about a 67 year old man in Bulgaria who apparently had a blood alcohol level of 0.914, but was still conscious and conversing with police and doctors. They had to test him 5 times before they'd believe it. The thing to keep in mind here is that, according to the article a BAL of 0.55 is usually fatal and that the legal driving limit in Florida, Canada, and most other places is 0.08. So, yeah 0.914.

In other, geekier, news. Randy and I played the Army of Two demo last night. And it was freaking ridiculous. The graphics were very clean, and the game play was reminiscent of Gears of War with that strange over the shoulder third person view. The controls are set up fairly simply, but like always it's sometimes a little confusing switching from one shooter to the next. The demo was promising, and I'm excited for the full game and all the fist bumping after endless murder it should provide.

So, for the good stuff:

The old guy who drank half the contents of the local bar gets 8 Beards, for drinking an assinine amount, but loses one to my jealousy.
Army of Two Demo gets 8 Beards because it was an excellent demo that little me shoot people from a turret and got me all ramped up for the actual game.

Google's Motto

One last quick quip before the weekend sets in and I try to forget about the fact that the internet exists for anything besides porno and gaming, I felt I need to share this. Google, which I already thought was freaking awesome and I dare anyone to challenge me, has gone up yet another notch in awesomeness. I found out today, while watching a Reuters video about how Google is using Google Earth to help support global causes, that Google has a very interesting motto: Don't Be Evil. How awesome and simple is that? Way to go Google.

Google's motto get's 8 Beards for its epic simplicity.

In defense of the Games

So I saw that Travis gave the Summer games 5 beards: to him I say.
First-The Summer Olympics has hockey; it's just field hockey.
Second-If you give the Summer games 5 beards shouldn't you also give the Winter Olympics The same score? They are in-fact a package deal
Second point sub-point one -The Winter Olympics lacks the following which the Summer games do not
- Womens Gymnastics
- Track and Field games where america proves our Negroes are better than yours
-Basketball Where america does the same thing
-Womens Gymnastics (I know I said that twice I like them)

I feel as if Travis gave the Summer games an unfair score because, if you know Trav he has a bias towards the cold. Which makes me think he would probably give the Winter games 8 Beards. Both scores when averaged together gives you 6.5 beards which is exactly where I would place the Olympic Games as a Whole. Being as it has lost some of the ideals that the original games had. Also because the Olympics can't hold a candle to the WORLD CUP which is the single most watch sporting event internationally. I know people who don't like sports that will watch the World cup.
World Cup 9 mufukin beards

The Torch

As some of you may know, there are a lot of people currently a little peeved about the 2008 Summer Olympic Games being held in China. This is something that has come more to the forefront after highly effective, and disruptive protests in London and Paris. These protests caused a last minute change of route in San Fransisco in order to keep the flame away from protesters attempting to extinguish it.

Now, granted, the situation in Tibet, is a little messed up. And, yeah, China is kind of an asshole about these things, and the rest of the world isn't too cooperative. Look at Taiwan for goodness sake, the UN and the US, as of last I checked still haven't recognized them as an official country, but simply as a rogue province. But, whatever. People want to protest about human rights violations in Tibet, that's fine. I think they're doing a pretty good job of it, since they chose a highly visible, and universally recognized symbol to attack as representative of their cause.

However, and sorry it took so long to get here, what makes me mad is THIS. An article about the repercussions the protests are having on the ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS of the CORPORATE SPONSORS of the Torch Relay and the Olympics. Specifically focused on in the article are Coca-Cola and Samsung. Can we talk about negligent journalism here? I'm pretty sure the main issue in this matter is human rights violations by one sovereign nation unto another. The word oppression comes to mind. Subjugation, perhaps. And yet, Alana Samuels of the LA Times thinks it's prudent to write about how these protests are hurting corporations that make millions of dollars at the expense of man kind. Someone needs to be protesting these corporations for human rights violations.

Ok, sorry, it's just that when I read the article I got a little pissed. Because it's ridiculous.

So, what you're here for:
Alana Samuels and her article get 1 Beard for being ridiculous.
The Olympic Torch gets 6 Beards and A Mustache for being what it is.
The Summer Olympics get 5 Beards because there is no bobsled, hockey, or downhill speed skating.
China, gets 1 Beard for fuckin' everything up.

There Will Be Blood

This was an incredible film. I saw it for free, however i would of gladly shelled out 10 bucks for the film.
For those of you that don't know about this film, because you could make your way out of that rock you have been living under, its a story of a Man, (Mr. Plainview- as played bu Daniel Day- Lewis) who started a oil company from the ground up. I don't want to disclose too much storyline, but understand this; this is a film that focuses on the Character of Daniel Plainview. (this is what won him an Oscar for best actor)This is a story of family, greed, religion, and oil. Apart from Daniel Day-Lewis we also see Paul Dano ( the older kid from little miss sunshine) in the film. His character is a reverend in a New Boston California, a city that Mr. Plainview is drilling oil in. Again i can't tell you too much about storyline, but the acting is surreal, i definatly get a great sense of time with Day-Lewis however i saw Dano a bit far fetched, but when you see the movie you can understand why he is such a kook. Fact is, go see it. INCREDIBLE.

Solid 8 beards

Invisible Tanks

This is news is from last fall around the end of October, beginning of November but it was first brought to my attention by Alan about 2 days ago, so shut up. Apparently, according to reports from several sources the British Military conducted tests of their newly developed invisible tank. Both stories have different pictures, that are edited to show what the effect would be and sadly are not pictures of the actual vehicle.


While that is mildly disappointing, as a life long sci-fi and war junkie I find this all very exciting. I mean, they're invisible tanks! Of course, the only invisible tank I ever had experience with was the NOD Stealth Tank (3 Beards) from Command and Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars, and that thing was a piece of junk. Stealthy and fast, yes, but it took a veritable fleet of them to blow anything up. What a piece of crap, and way to drop the ball on that one C&C, should've made the damn Mammoth (6 Beards)invisible; now THAT would've been awesome.

In spite of all my nerdy excitement, this idea does leave me a little sad. There is part of me that likes to believe there is still some modicum of honor left on the battlefield. This is just another sneaky way to fight, and being a pirate and ergo an avid hater of ninjas I dislike sneaky means of fighting.

But, on the third hand, this gets me excited in another way, because the only truly practical way I could think of implementing this kind of technology, especially on a personal level would have to utilize nano technology(8 Beards). Nano technology is very exciting to me.

The Almighty Ollar?

The Mad Magazine Fold-in: The best interactive page in Magazine history ( Or at least on par with the Playboy Centerfold if you're male.) Unless you happen to be like me and horrible with folding straight lines. It not only provides you with something to do it provides jokes.

Mad Fold-in 8 Beards
Playboy Centerfold 8 Beards (Only because I have to do less work by folding out. Not because of the nudity. That's how it got to 7.5 beards)

Death By Blog.

So I just read about blog death. In case you didn't I give you the short version.

"Russell Shaw, a prolific blogger on technology subjects who died at 60 of a heart attack. In December, another tech blogger, Marc Orchant, died at 50 of a massive coronary. A third, Om Malik, 41, survived a heart attack in December...Other bloggers complain of weight loss or gain, sleep disorders, exhaustion and other maladies born of the nonstop strain of producing for a news and information cycle that is as always-on as the Internet."

Sounds to me like this is death by a classic case of Fat Ass. These three guys sat on their computers all damn day (probably eating steak'ums and chasing it with 9 cans of red bull) and two died as a result of their gross (and I mean gross) mistreatment of their bodies. The problem with this story is that some assfags don't know when to say "I'm done!" They feel the need to nay say and provide useless conjecture on subjects instead of breaking down the facts and giving you a straight forward rating (maybe on a 9.0 scale) on any subject.

These people need to get a damn 9-5 job or if blogging is their 9-5 job learn that after 8 hours of work you can stop. The only people who should stress out about work all day are Lawyers and and kind of Law enforcement. These deaths could be avoided by a better diet and some physical activity ranging anywhere from weightlifting to dodgeball(Go Harrison Ford(9 goddamm beards)) to DDR. (I know, I know but at least it gets you up and moving.)

Also does nobody notice that Travis posts twice in one day and one of the posts is about death by blogging? If no one else is going to say it Travis, I worry for your health. I know you posted at work, but still....
So anyway death by blogging (and DDR) will receive a One Beard constructed entirely out of pubic hair for being a dumbass way to kick the bucket.

On a side note: Summer don't you ever joke about a shaved face, they aren't funny. I will personally see to it that your life is made null if you do it again. Negative beards-see, this is why you can't be in on The Beard, giving out negative points Your ineptitudes sicken me woman.

Blogging Will Kill You

Holy crap, two updates in one day? Thats more then you pukes usually get in a week. No thanks to certain Randys, Alans, and Kevins, whose names will not be mentioned. Anyways, I'm reporting to you life from a high altitude balloon to bring you the news that this little foray into the world of the interwebs just might kill me. That's right, apparently, according to this article, Blogging might kill you. Seriously, there are Google statistics.

Death By Blogging gets 2 Beards, it gets an extra one for the sheer WTF factor your friends and family will experience when told the news.

And here's an extra goody for you courtesy of the lovely, but MIA, Liz Waldner.

TPS Report

Which of course forces me to post this:

Run Fatboy Run

What I still don't understand is why they couldn't put the appropriate commas in the title? They did it in the UK version, why not the American version. Two measly commas is all I ask. But, alas, I must digress. Run Fatboy Run is David Schwimmer's first foray into directing movies, and he couldn't have picked a better crew to do it with then Simon Pegg's. Having already written and stared in two highly successful films (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) that could make you cry and think as easily as they made you laugh, this movie had great promise to it before I even got in the theater. Simon also collaborated with that evil bastard of the comedy underworld, Michael Ian Black, to write the script which I think only made the film better.

The movie's premise is simple, Dennis (Simon Pegg) leaves his pregnant fiance, Libby, at the altar on their wedding day. The majority of the movie takes place 5 years later with Shaun trying to come to terms with being a father and watching Libby having turned her attentions to a new man. However, this isn't some sappy crap filled éclair of a love story, but rather an exploration of the journey towards self responsibility we all must make. The importance of friends also plays a major role in the film as well, almost as major as Dylan Moran's (who plays Dennis' best friend and Libby's cousing) bare man ass. I would've much rather seen more of India de Beaufort's ass. But, whatever.

David Schwimmer made an excellent directing debut. He really made the movie work, and it was nice to see a divergence from the fast paced, quick cut directing style of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Also the soundtrack was excellent. Totally loved it. It was fabulous, totally wow. Rad. No, seriously, great soundtrack. I recommend this movie to everyone, unless you hit British people, then fuck you.

Run Fatboy Run gets 7 Beards and A Mustache for being quite excellent.

Drinkin Beers In The Sun

Yesterday afternoon Alan showed up at my house with a cooler full of beer and a sprinkler and we set ourselves up in my front yard. We turned the sprinkler on, unfolded the cheers, and proceeded to have a few brewskis while enjoying the beautiful April weather Florida is providing us with. This was probably the highlight of my week and I'm going to recommend it to everyone. For our northern readers, you might have to wait a few more weeks or months, but when the weather gets right, then get to it. And, I guess if you're a ninny and don't like beer then you could substitute with an appropriately summer drink like a margarita or a gin and tonic.

As a word of caution though, wear sunscreen (9 Beards).

Drinking Beers (or appropriate substitute drinks) in the sun gets 9 Beards, because it's freaking awesome and supremely relaxing.

Digital Camouflage

I've been kind of up in the air about the Military's new digital camouflage. I understood how it was more effective, since the purpose of camouflage is to break up the outline, so of course with more smaller fluctuations in color then that means it's going to be more effective. I think this had a lot to do with having never seen it in action like I've seen other forms such as the Ghillie suits utilized by Seals, Rangers, and Snipers. For those that don't know, Ghillie suits are the camouflage suits worn that make people look like big walking bog monsters. Or like this:

So, yeah. I was unconvinced about this new fangled technology until I saw this next picture, and then became completely convinced of it's effectiveness.

Digital Camouflage gets 6 Beards for being effective enough that this guys wife probably has no idea he's asleep on the couch instead of cleaning up the dog shit in the kitchen.

Eating Ice Cream Out Of The Bucket.

Eating ice cream straight out of the tub/bin/container is awesome, delicious, and efficient. 6 Beards.

So, some time ago I was at the Rocky Horror Show and I enjoyed the production whole-heartedly until the end. Not the end of the play as weird as that is but after the curtain call thats when I had a problem. The crowd was asked if they wanted to do the Time Warp- my answer "Hell to the naw!" More or less the rest of the crowd got up and started to dance. I sat and watched the foolishness commence. But not in peace. As I watched fistfuls of people dance to this song while I sat someone from house crew brushed against me. I turned around hand balled into a fist ready to strike at the absurdity that someone in drag would dare to touch me. I however was stopped by the ridiculous situation before me. This girl from the house crew was looking me in the face singing the time warp and gesturing that I should get up and dance.

Now Randolph M. Chase 3 has no qualms with dancing or looking like a fool. What the great RM Chase does have a problem with is dancing like a conformist Asshat. This is why I refuse to square dance. I dont know why a group of 15 hicks with a combined brain cell total of 12 got it in their head that them dancing in giant formation doing the exact same things while listening to music that sounds like cats in bags being used to soften bricks was a good Idea. So square dancing and the following dances get one dirty sanchez made chinstrap for a beard. For being just friggen dumb.

The Macarena ( I hated this song when I was 9 and I still hate it whenever someone thinks it is a fuckin' riot to play it at parties)
The electric slide (Fuck you. It's not electric.)
The Cha-Cha Slide (This song may as well be the Communist dance of the year)
The Bunny Hop*
The Train made popular by the Quad City Dj's (Fuck this song because every damn time it comes on I'm minding my own business when some asshole grabs me and places me at the front of the shitkicking line. There is no way to get out of that damn thing until the song is done.)
The Time Warp. (As stated before "Hell to the naw")
The Chicken Dance (No just no. Even before you start to say "but wait!" no)
The Tootsie Roll. ( I don't know how it's done and I still won't do it.)

Now you'll notice that The Bunny Hop is given an asterisk. The reason behind this is it s only acceptable to do the Bunny Hop in one place - The Playboy Mansion. When done there the Bunny Hop gets 9 beards.
There are however dances that I will do in a heart beat.
The Hokey Pokey; if done right you can bribe someone or trick someone into doing the dance. But it's still for kids 3 beards and a Mustache
The Monkey: Only when Johnny Bravo calls for everyone to do it with him in the opening credits. (monkey 3 beards) Johnny Bravo (6 beards)

-RMC out

The Whitest Kids U Know

IFC (Indepent Film Channel) is not something that I peruse regularly, but a couple months ago we hit upon a little gem of a show called Whitest Kids U Know, which is currently in it's second season. It's just a sketch comedy show done by 5 white guys who do pretty much all of the writing and the acting with a few extra randoms thrown in. They even play their own female roles to great hilarious effect. And whether it's songs they've written, long extended skits, multi-part skits, or even just short little 30 second gags, the show never fails to amuse. Well it amuses me and my friends, so if it doesn't amuse you then your sense of humor is obviously impaired. The show being on IFC helps because language and skit content isn't an issue, some of it's even a little dicey. Anyways, you can watch all of season one, skit by skit on their IFC page if you'd like.

Whitest Kids U Know gets 8 Beards for being the only good sketch show on TV these days.

The Full Monty

I watched The Full Monty last night, for the first time. It was one of the movies I remember receiving lots of popular support when it came out back in freaking 1997. The only people who have ever talked this movie up to me are my mom, her sisters, and other assorted middle aged women. Plus, I knew it was about male strippers so honestly I never had much desire to see it. But, last night it was on, and I'm broke so I didn't have anything else to do, so, I watched it.

I am not entirely sure as to what movie category this falls into, because comedy doesn't incorporate all of the films aspects, and it's definitely not a romantic comedy, and it's not a drama either, yet I don't feel that shoddy ass term dramedy applies either. Man do I hate that term. Dramedy gets 1 Beard. Regardless, the movie was definitely amusing, and it also set it's hooks in me. I was very emotionally invested in these unemployed steel mill workers deciding to become strippers to make enough money to turn their lives around.

The movie is definitely targeted to an older audience, as it touches on a lot of issues that younger people don't face as much, things like sexual confidence in your marriage, admitting to your wife you've been fired, fighting for your children, and other such things. Every time the movie gets a bit heavy though they always manage to throw a laugh your way, but not in a cheesy, gag sort of way. As a man, this movie had one serious detractor which is entirely too much man ass, but I guess that might be a highlight for the ladies.

So, yeah, The Full Monty gets 4 Beards for being an alright movie.

Saint Patrick's Day

So, I found out a little interesting information on this hallowed day this morning courtesy of History channels 3.5 min video on the history of the holiday.

1) St. Patrick was originally captured by Irish marauders and was a shepherds slave for six years before escaping back to 6 years after receiving a vision.
2) After receiving another vision back in England he became an ordained priest and returned to Ireland as a missionary and built schools and monasteries all over northern and western Ireland.
3) St. Patrick's Day was originally a one day break from Lent and so Irish men would often take advantage of this to raise a pint or two with their friends at the bar. This is of course where the modern celebration of the holiday comes from.

Anyways, St. Patrick's Day gets 9 Beards for being the best drinking holiday there is. It desperately outshines Cinco de Mayo and New Years Eve.

RAIN-X

Here's a description from the official website:

Original Glass Treatment ^TM

The invisible windshield Wiper®

Rain-X Original Glass Treatment dramatically improves wet weather driving visibility. Simply apply the treatment to exterior glass and watch the raindrops fly off your windshield while driving. Rain-X helps improve visibility by repelling rain, sleet and snow.

• Improve all-weather visibility, safety and driving comfort
• Helps easily remove frost, ice, salt, mud and bugs
• Apply to exterior glass

In tests conducted by a major university, better visibility improved driving response time up to a full second or more. At highway speeds, that’s almost four car lengths of extra stopping distance!

Seriously though, if you haven't rocked with the rain X you are missing out on your safety! this shit works. you need a hook up drop on by and I'll put this shit on your car... seriously ask Trav. 8 Beards and a mustache. I don't give it a full 9 because the stuff wares off bimonthly. but it's still a freaking 8.5. SHIT ROCKS! It's like driving with MOSES the rain just parts right in front of you

Super Smash Brothers Brawl

So if you're aren't big on video gaming you may have not noticed the recent release of a game called Super Smash Brothers Brawl for the Nintendo Wii. Super Smash Brothers Brawl (or Brawl for short) is the third installment of a series, with the first just being Super Smash Brothers (SSB for for now) on the N64 and Super Smash Brothers Melee, (Melee from here on out.) on the Gamecube. The premise for these games is to answer the question "who's the best?" at least in the the best in the Nintendo world. The first game (SSB) was fun, especially if you grew up playing games on the original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) or the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (Super Nintendo or SNES). The game was at the time one of the best ways to have multiplayer experience. The controls were simple enough that anyone can pick it up an start playing. There were some flaws but as far as first games go it was a damn good one. 7 beards and One 'Stache

Then the second game Melee came out, and it was just dumb. That game feels like someone said "hey that was a good idea; lets butcher it!" and they did. they added characters that, unless you are deep in Nintendo Japan's ass you didn't know who the hell they were. They watered down some of the better characters, they made some characters so powerful it wasn't fun to play with them. I also have so many other problems with the game that I could go on for 8 more paragraphs but I'll spare you. From a non-biased view it was still a decent game 6 beards.

As far as this third game goes well i haven't played it extensively but I will say it seems like they stopped smoking the reefer and cleaned up their act. Brawl gets a tentative 7 pre-pubescent beards and One Hitler Mustache.

Tornadoes

Sorry for the break in updates. Kevin, Alan, and I have been on Spring Break, not really sure what Randy's been doing though. Anyways, we had a couple tornadoes come through northern Florida the other day and so I figured I'd give them an assessment. I've decided to do this by class. We'll be using the Fujita Scale today which ranges from F0 to F6.

F0 - These tornadoes are pussy shit. I stood in the path of one once and it couldn't even get my dick off the ground. F0 tornadoes get 1 Beard
F1 - These tornadoes are only slightly better, they'll give my lawn a nice trim, get the deadwood out of my trees, rake the lawn, and maybe blow up some girl's skirt or dress for a sweet, swift pantie peek. F1 tornadoes get 4 Beards for being mildly useful.
F2 - F2's will wreck your lawn and deshingle your roof. They are the exact opposite of the F1 and therefore get 1 Beard for being a freaking pain in my ass.
F3 - This category will probably help to rid your town of any resident red neck trailer infestations as well as help clear out any bums. This thing will lift your straight off your feet to a certain death. There is no land of queer midgets and roads made of wasted gold. Wizard of Oz was a lie, god damnit, a fucking lie. Fuck that movie! Fuck you Dorothy, and Lion, and Robot boy. Thats what would've made that movie better, if Tin Man had been more like Roy Batty and less like Cpl. Timothy P Upham. Man, fuck you, Upham. F3's get 4 Beards.
F4 - This shit will ruin your day. Do not plan picnics for F4 days, you will not get to eat anything it will all be blown away, even you, and your virginity, so maybe you should just give it up already quit being a prude. F4's get 5 Beards because they blow harder then your grandma does.
F5 - The F5 will seriously fuck your shit up. This mother fucker will repossess your car and your house and won't try to do it sneakily in the middle of the night. You'll hear this bitch coming from a mile away, like a freight train full of bad high school marching bands. F5's get 7 Beards for doin' what it wants.
F6 - If earth was a woman being fucked from behind then the F6 tornado would be the big dicked bitch behind her plowing away regardless of how much she might claim that it "hurts". F6's get 9 Beards for tearing up Earth's ass and making it their Bitch.

1994's Most Bizzare Suicide

So, I'd like to take a moment and point you people to the story of this man's suicide, which is not a gross one so much as a convoluted one. Yes it is a joke, and untrue (I checked) but I still enjoyed it and wanted to share. As far as "jokes" go it gets 4 Beards. It got a chuckle out of me.

Robes

I bought my first robe ever this past year on Black Friday. It was early, I was delirious from lack of sleep, and I bought a delightfully fuzzy blue robe for 80% off the regular price. Well, my mother told me it was probably a poor financial decision and I told to leave me alone I just wanted to eat another diamond encrusted donut, take that Fiscal Responsibility! By the way Fiscal Responsibility gets 5 Beards because, yes, it sucks, but it also allows you to do things like take trips to Seattle (9 Beards) for 12 days and get to go to the Emerald City Comicon (my excitement level for this is also 9 Beards).

Anyways, Robes are a crucial aspect of life, especially when one lives with roommates. It gives you the ability to walk from your bedroom to the bathroom or kitchen or someone else's room without really having to get dressed. Need a glass of water in the middle of the night? Robe it up. Don't want to get dressed right away in the morning while you check the weather by standing on your back porch? Robe it up. Want to reduce the awkward factor of you going to the bathroom mere minutes after the sexual noises coming from your bedroom stop while your roommate and his girlfriend are still in the living room? ROBE. IT. UP.

Robes get 7 Beards.

65 Degrees

Lets talk about weather for a minute. Let's talk about, in particular, a sunny day at 65 degrees with little to no wind. I think this is the perfect weather. You can wear just about whatever you want in this weather: shorts, slacks, jeans, dresses, skirts, t-shirts, button ups, halters, tube tops, polos, sweaters, sweater vests, even hoodies and jackets to some degree, flips flops, boots, sneakers, or trainers. But definitely not Crocs. You can never wear Crocs (ONE Beard), I don't give a damn how "comfortable" they are. In this weather pretty much the only thing you can't do is go swimming, unless you have a heated pool or a high tolerance to cold water. Wanna go for a picnic? No problem. Want to play sports? Feel free. Want to work on your tan? Why not. It's nice outside!

65 Degrees and Sunny gets 9 Beards from me.

Your Boys.

The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. The dudes that keeps this thing moving.




These guys get 9 Fuckin' Beards

Fireworks

I was at the Magic Kindom at Disney World, Orlando over the weekend for the first time in probably 6 years. We of course waited till the end in order to watch the fireworks, which to be honest I had forgotten how awesome Disney's fireworks are. We're talking about near and far rockets coordinated with narration, sound, and music.
But to the nitty-gritty, fireworks themselves. I'm running on a decent database of memories here because I haven't actually lit off fireworks in a couple of years.

• Fireworks contain the word fire, and require fire to work, and result in an explosion the core of which is essentially fire.
• They're colorful, especially the big ones. And, they're bright. I like bright and colorful. I'm also not gay, just easily distracted and entertained.
• The bigger they are, the louder they are. Usually. I remember lighting off my first mortar in middle school. We didn't drop it in a tube or anything, and it wasn't even July. We just lit it in the middle of the basketball court and ran for our lives towards the bus stop. Still one of the loudest things I've experienced minus gunshots and that one time Alan got his bare toe stuck under the automatically opening door behind Reynolds. He screamed like a bitch.
• FIRE. EXPLOSIONS. LOUD.
• You can shoot them at your friends with relatively minor consequences. In case mom sees. Then the consequences are dire. Although, I wouldn't recommend anything bigger than a bottle rocket or a small roman candle. Don't go pointing Saturn Batteries at each other.

So, in conclusion, Fireworks are pretty awesome and get 7 Beards and A Mustache.

In rebuttal to Randy's lame ass post about head butts, from which he pirated most of his information from Maddox, similar to the way he wrote most of his high school humor columns by stealing lists of interesting conundrums and misspellings from the internet, I would like to say that the headbutt does not deserve 8 Beards and A Mustache.
The head butt is a rather weak attack, even when done correctly, and does little more then stun and embarrass an opponent. Sadly, the head butt leaves oneself open to swift retribution from an opponent if you do no connect properly or the enemy is not taken by surprise. God knows I've punched a few potential head butters in the skull for trying such a thing.

Head butts get 3 Beards from me.

The good ol' fashioned American Headbutt.

That's right the headbutt. IT's as American as apple pie, obesity or hunting a deer with Kevlar piercing bullets.
And it's so simple!
Tilt your head slightly downward, clench your teeth, stiffen your neck muscles, and frown.

· Lean back slightly, take aim, lunge forward, connecting your attacker’s nose.

· Aim to strike using the area one-inch or 25mm above your eyebrow - just for comfort.

· Clench your teeth and keep your mouth closed.

· Use your whole body weight and bend at the middle of your back.

As stated by Maddox headbutting the Sidewalk is one of the Manliest way to Kill yourself. He goes on to state that headbutts are the best way to break up with a girlfriend.


"I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship."

So kids there you have. The only reason a headbutt could be given negative points is if it is done improperly. In which case the negative points are rerouted and awarded to you.

Only becuase of lack of style the Headbutt will receive 8 beards and one mustache.

One Rating, One Rebuttal, One note.

So according to the BBC, the Catholic Church has tightened it's process for canonization of person to Sainthood. See Article As far as I'm concerned that is perfectly fine by me there are something close to 10,000 saints in the church anyways. What's more there are another 2000 + files on people nominated for canonization. These 2000 applicants are from all over the world by idiots who think that just because someone may have read every child in the area a bedtime story or fed the hungry, or cured polio should be a Saint.

That is way to damn many people. By definition a saint is "a particularly good or holy person". The original pope Saint Paul and The mother Mary are...or should be used as an outline of what to qualify someone as a saint. One started the Catholic Church the other had Jesus- I don't remember who did what. So of all 10k people they can all be held up to Mary or Paul and someone can say "yeah they match up"??

Now granted JP-2 probably didn't help while he had the hat on, according to BBC "In his 27-year pontificate he beatified more than 1,338 people and canonised 482." but you know what? he's the friggen pope! That means he has a red phone to God in his head! And since new pope (I'm still not comfortable with him as pope so i dont want to remember his name) is a smart man he's going to fast track Johnny Paul 2 to Sainthood.

Catholic Church gets 6 beards, for raising the difficulties for Sainthood.
Wait hold your damn horses. Take note the church doesn't receive the points; the program does.

Moving on the Playstation 3 Will receive 6 beards and a Mustache, from me. Why? Because it has
-Playstation game library.
-Wireless controllers with sixaxis motion sensors
-Wireless and wired broadband internet capability with it's own internet browser (for free)
-Blu-ray player
-Backwards compatible with PS2.
it would get a higher score but it's so goddamn expensive.

and finally a note. to Kevin and Travis (and I guess Alan if he does it.)
I am declaring the scores of Annoying People to be changed from negative 2 beards to one beard.
and HD-DVD from zero beards to one beard. It's a 1-9 grade system we can't have negatives and zero! We created the rules and we can bend them but not break them else there be no order! Listen, all of you! You've got to take direction, you've got to have discipline, you've got to have respect for your director!